Life of secrets
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2022-12-29 18:24:11 (UTC)


I was really panicky this morning. But I’ve calmed down a bit this evening. Sometimes I wonder whether I should go back on the antidepressants. I feel I’ve gone downhill since coming off them. Ironically, I came off because I wanted to get pregnant and because I felt they were making me put on weight.

I’m still not pregnant and I’m twice the size I was before I came off them.

I will start going to the gym in the new year. As soon as I’m over this flu / cold thing.

I spoke to D today. She’s a top psychic. I trust her more than anyone else I go to. I’ve been freaking out about my husbands lack of sex drive and starting to think perhaps this will never happen. Two years regular sex, but no baby. As if that wasn’t hard enough, now he won’t have sex.

D told me that his lack of sex drive won’t affect me getting pregnant. She keeps telling me there’s a baby. She said next Christmas will be different - I’ll either have just given birth or about to.

26th December. The date my grandad gave me. Makes me wonder whether it’s a birth date. The other day I was actually thinking, imagine if I give birth on Christmas Day. Would be ironic since I don’t celebrate it. No one wants to be born on Christmas Day. No one IS born on Christmas Day. Have you ever met someone who’s birthday is on Christmas Day? I haven’t.

So I’m feeling a little better after speaking to D, however I still feel a huge amount of guilt regarding my religion and I don’t know how to fix it.