Love, life and loss
2022-12-28 22:05:40 (UTC)

Positives and negatives

Tonight I got to see my babies. My niece and my nephew. My whole world
The first time I've seen them since the 19th November other than a video call a few weeks ago
Got back home on 18th dec but with covid wasnt allowed to see anyone so didnt even get to set eyes on them before she moved out for a few days until I went into hospital then she came home with the kids after Christmas until I got our od hospital
Only got to see them today as day 10 from covid even though still faint line on test
We all cried a lot, had lots of hugs, I wore a mask to protect them just incase but couldnt breathe in it so didnt get long with them
But they remind me why I carry on with life
The excited looks on their faces just to see me. The 1.5 hours felt like a lifetime but also felt like it was over in minutes
It gave me a little hope for the future
That was until I was told that I was more relaxed when I was off work and was a nicer person and that being back at work this week (only 1 day so far) has made me a miserable cow to be around and that I should change jobs and stop being grumpy and mardy
Ive wfh as I should actually still be in hospital so definitely cant be in work physically
I had 2 naps during the day as couldnt manage without them
I finished at about 5.15 and then spent time with the kids until 6.45 when they went in bath and bed
I dont know how I could be seen as miserable for doing this job on day 1 back at work

I dont understand people and dont understand me
Maybe they are right
Maybe I should quit
Nothing I do is ever good enough
At home and sometimes at work
I cant give up home but can give up work
I cant control my fucked up head but I can control.work
Maybe that's the way forward
Maybe i can get some friends back then
Maybe I wont need to shut everyone out and pretend I'm ok

Really need to see my consultant on Friday about the future but dont want to do it alone
Ryan doesnt do hospitals
My best friends have babies or pregnant
I cant ask any of them to take time out to come with me but I cant hear what they have to say by myself
So I'll cancel Friday
I'll just carry on avoiding the reality of my health and future
Carry on avoiding the deep dark pain inside me that feels blacker and blacker each day
Avoiding the reality of deterioration until I cant avoid it no more and I'm forced to deal with it or say goodbye
If only ryan was as supportive as he used to be and would come to appointments with me and hear what needs to be said. Instead he buries his head with work and says he cant bear to hear what they might so
No ryan
Nor can I
Especially not alone
But that's my life now