rotten

it's a very very

this morning i was talking to my mum while playing yahtzee and we realized that when she was my age, i had just been born. and her mom had been gone for over 20 years. i can't imagine any of that - having three kids at this age; oldest of them being eight, youngest just an infant, and especially the 'not having my mum for the past twenty years' -part, i mean i wouldn't even be here anymore. no way jose. she's my main motivation for staying alive (ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin aliiiiiv--)... the fact that children are allowed to have children is insane to me though. my stepdad wasn't older than 20 when he had his firstborn either. i told them both that they're nuts and i have no idea how they've made it here alive. they laughed but it was the kind of nervous, awkward laugh that kinda made me think they're not sure of the 'how' either, haha. i should do a load of laundry and i'm just writing it down for the chance of that reminding me to actually do it even if rn i can't be bothered to get up. i'm fresh from the shower, sitting on the bed, under the blanket with a towel wrapped around me. laptop on my thighs. i can hear my mum and her friend i (who often petsits w) hiding treats for w and laughing at her - she truly is a bitch on a mission when she looks for treats lmao. it's hilarious to me every time, even if i've had her over four years. i don't think i'll ever get tired of my dog, how could i? she has the cutest face and the cutest, silliest personality. she's the kindest little creature, soft and fluffy, headstrong - and a total weirdo. so much character, so much heart. once in a lifetime -doggo, and although i'm sure everyone thinks that about their pets, i'm a 100 % sure that w is special. i've never come across anyone who didn't love her. even the people who generally dislike dogs (i don't trust those people) like her; and not only tolerate her, but actually like her. i've heard the words "well that kinda dog i'd be willing to own" more than once or twice, and i don't care how ridiculous it is, it always makes me feel proud. like i've done something right! ...all of that is still surprising enough for me to be suuuper glad to be childless, lol.

ok, now the laundry. i also need to moisturize my entire body, gawh. i hate winter. or maybe it's the eczema i hate. either way.

ah, salmiakki <3 more specifically, djungelvrål. m had bought a tiny bag of them for me and rn i'm very happy about that. the room i always stay in when i visit my parents is also my stepdad's office, and sometimes it feels a bit weird. every now and then he'll come in and work while i'm still sleeping - and it's just a small, regular sized bedroom. he also has a macbook that he uses to work in the living room, but he is a boomer, so apparently there are certain things he only does on his imac. for example right now i think he's typing some sort of an ad, probably something for church. i wouldn't mind having him near if it weren't for certain ...situations... in the past; he's quiet and minds his own business, and i'd say we're both comfortable being quiet together as well. but a while back, idk it may have been a year or two ago, i was napping on the couch when he came home from somewhere and my mum was still away. i was wearing shorts and since i was half asleep, i guess they revealed like ... my thighs fully? and he made a comment suggesting i should perhaps "cover myself up" or "wear some proper clothes" or whatever. he said it in a somewhat nasty, impatient tone too, that really rubbed me the wrong way. it wasn't like i had my whole bare ass hanging out AND even if i did, who cares? i was sleeping, for christ's sake. just look away, right? i don't know whether he was "just" disgusted by my fat body or thought that i was being inappropriate (or both) but either way, that moment's stuck with me. i really wish i'd had a better comeback, but it caught me completely off guard at the time. i think i just fell silent, wrapped the lower part of my body in a blankie and exited the room. ever since i've felt significantly less relaxed / at ease here. rn i'm wearing a completely modest dressing gown that goes down to my knees and has long sleeves, yet i still felt shame as an initial reaction when he entered the room. i hate it. a part of me wants to start prancing around butt naked just because i can and should be able to. i can only imagine what his reaction would be, lmao. i sometimes hang around wearing just a sports bra and i can tell that bothers him too - and what bothers *me* is how he never says anything if mum's around. that's weird, and a bit creepy, isn't it? he's been a part of this family since i was flipping 11, he's an old man, a father figure. he has his own children and grandchildren, he's been married twice... and he lives in finland, the land of the nude lmao. yet he's distracted by my thighs? idk what to make of it.

k still hasn't replied to my message about what exactly has gone down with L & p, and L hasn't replied to me asking about their christmas either... i don't know if i should be worried and to what capacity. it's still difficult to apprehend that he's actually laid his hands on her - twice, or apparently now three times. i guess i'm proud of them for getting help almost immediately, but i still think they should distance themselves from each other, at least for a little while. he should get the help he needs, and he should do it alone. and she should go and talk about the situation with someone who has enough knowledge about trauma (his 1st husband was very much physically abusive towards her, and i know there's been individual cases on top of that too). i feel rather powerless with the whole situation, and it disturbs me how much i 'understand' p. his actions are obviously unacceptable, a 100 %, and there are no excuses. but there is empathy i feel, because i know things about his past. it's hard to put any of this into words without it sounding like i'm making excuses for him or belittling the horrible acts of violence somehow, but i swear i'm not. there are no migitations, but there is a *difference* between uncontrollable movement and purposedly deciding to hurt someone, right? his ex-wife was violent towards him the first few years of their relationship, and even though the physical abuse eventually stopped, it was never discussed or processed, and the mental one continued. he's only now started to process all that abuse this fall. he's started going to therapy, and naturally that has caused a lot of things and emotions to surface, and all of it has led to this. he's taken time off from work for the first time - the occupational physician was an ass though. he went in to say he has only recently started to process having been a victim of abuse for almost 10 years and that's caused his mental health to hit an all time low, he explained how it feels like he's loosing his mind and even said that he's scared of himself, especially now that he's already hurt his girlfriend twice. apparently once he mentioned the violence, the doctor immediately refused to focus on anything else or listen to anything p had to say after that. if the roles were reversed; if it was a woman saying she's been having attacks of panic and terror, during which she's laid her hands on her boyfriend, i imagine the response would've been a "bit" different. i mean i do understand it, to a point, but it's still awfully unfair and very unprofessional, and first and foremost: definitely not helpful at all in his situation.

...okay k just texted me back and told me about the newest incident. apparently they had "broken up" once again, L had gone out for one more cigarette and when she got back in, p had been there with a kitchen knife, threatening to like kill himself if she were to truly leave him. and other completely messed up crap like that. that is the lowest of the low acts in my book - threatening to harm yourself and seeking to lay the burden of it on someone who you supposedly love. that's just nasty. it's beyond toxic, it's indescribably heartless manipulation and fucked-uppery. i think he should probably submit himself into an institution of some kind, if any of them have any room left (i'm thinking they don't). but nooo, no. L is there with him, helping him move and holding him. she talks about everything so nonchalantly and clearly still thinks *she* has all it could possibly take to save him, as if one could save anyone but themselves, in this way. or most ways. i can't believe they still spend every waking second together, fighting for something that not only shouldn't require a fight, definitely isn't worth one either. i don't get it. neither does k; she's very worried, obviously. neither of us knows what to do, but i guess there ain't much to do. you can not keep two grown ass adults away from each other, huh? k had asked L what she thinks her kids would think if they knew, would they want their mum somewhere safe, or would they want their mum "fighting for her relationship", and she had not answered. apparently she doesn't care. today she had texted k that se only wants p, she only wants their relationship... not an unhealthy, obsessive trauma bond at all, nooo no noo no... shh. OH DOHG my stepdad is watching the news fucking again, ohhhh help me britney. take me away from here, i can't. i hate the news. there's never anything good on them. i don't wanna live on this earth anymore, ESPECIALLY now that the weather lady says there shall be rain and 2-3 something celsius. i hate sleet even more than i hate the news... okay maybe not. but it's a close call.

i don't know what to do with L and p. i think i'll wait for L to contact me, idk. anyway, tomorrow i'm visiting my grandma. i wonder what time she expects me to be there - probably before noon, which sounds like possible torture. but i'm gonna try and leave early, as i know it won't take long for her to call me and nag "wHeRe ArE yOu? wHy ArEn'T yOu HeRe aLrEaDy" yadda yadda. but if i get there early, i can also leave early. that's a nice thought. i still have one more load of laundry to do before i go away for the new years - oh shoooot. i was supposed to look into going by bus or something, as i don't know if i can trust the car. i'll need to ask my stepdad what he thought of it, if he took it for a spin on monday. i know there's something up with the brakes, and i can't. i don't have any money to fix them. although i guess i can't afford to drive with faulty brakes either... idk. i hate being an adult. everyone around me is crazy, everything costs like crazy. i'm crazy tired all the time, and the crazy post-covid symptoms still haven't eased up. it's all nuts. i was supposed to write about how weird it was to realize i could have three children now (or at least the one i miscarried years ago... ok not going there rn. or ever. yikes) but things got a dark turn when i started thinking about my stepdad and then k answered my message on ig. why does it feel like sometimes my life is nothing but a series of dark turns, each darker than the other? and why does it, at the same time, feel like everything in my life's better than it's maybe ever been? why is my life like this and how can i make it stop?? send help.