Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-12-28 11:41:36 (UTC)

guilt and shame

I have a friend whose husband killed himself. Whole thing was a nightmare, anyways almost a year later I was talking to her and she found out he had been having an affair. I was shocked beyond belief, never saw that coming. I asked her how she found out and she said her 'friend' told her, she felt so much guilt and shame she had to tell her. I was like instantly pissed beyond belief, she should have took that to the grave, what kind of a woman does that to another woman?

Then it hit me.....I did, like a sack of bricks to the gut...I WAS THAT WOMAN

I can rationalize it hard, I was actually divorced for 4 years after an 18 year marriage. Mike, however, was only separated from his 18 year marriage. I met him on this site, through a mutual friend, we were only friends for the longest time as he was still married. Yeah, that didn't take long. There was a lot of tears, a lot of back and forth, but yeah basically I was that woman

I read a lot on here since I have basically no life at the moment, I hate winter. There is this lady who is thinking about leaving her marriage for her on line lover, who is also married. I would strongly advise against this. First if you want to get divorced do that for yourself, live on your own for awhile. Let him do the same. If it's truly meant to be it will be. There is a lot of damage you are about to do that you can not possibly even see right now. Trust me the pain this leaves on a family is traumatic. Being online in a relationship is so much easier than real life, you can be whoever you want to be. You don't see the socks or the underwear they leave right next to the hamper every morning. You don't hear the way they yell at you because something went wrong in their life, like they can't find their keys. It's easier being a hero online than in actual life, I'm just saying it's not real life.

I don't regret the last 10 years at all, not for a second, but hindsight and we will both agree, we would have went slower. Gave his kids more time to adapt. Mine were fine, we had been alone for 4 years.

Yeah, coming between a man and his wife, not for the weak, a shit ton of guilt and shame comes with that, well if you have a heart. Some people honestly just don't give a fuck, they will fuck whoever they want whenever they want and that's cool do you boo.

I too,am a good Christian woman, I have morals. I also slept with Mike before his divorce was finalized, in honesty, probably before it was filed. Life was a whirlwind of emotions back then. We were so in love, we were all we needed in this world. Nothing else mattered, but it did and it weighed so heavily on us for a long time. I have it all here somewhere written how everything just fell together for us to be married, all the kindness that was shown to us to be able to have a wedding thrown for us in 10 days. Damn we were like royalty, the way everything fell perfectly together I just knew it was meant to be. God would not have sent me a married man, we were not acting in a Godly way. We were acting on our own selfish desires above all else.

Look at us now :(

The same sexual connection is there, that has never been lost. I have always had an incredibly high sex drive and am blessed with being able to achieve multiple orgasms, well with the right person. Turns out Mike is the right person for that job. He is the only person that I have ever met that can satisfy me every time, remember no quickies for him

The same love is there, he loves me of this I know. Whether he is still in love with me I'm not too sure about since we still haven't talked about us. He did say he is doing nothing for New Years, I asked him if he wanted to do nothing with me, his response 'not sure what I'm doing nothing with or who'

So I don't know what that means or what I will be doing. There are plenty of invites, yeah but who wants to go to a party alone? not me. I'm not a party type person anymore anyways. I will most likely stay here being bored, hoping he pays a sliver of attention to me

That would just leaving me feeling depressed when he stays away from me

I remember when he was first diagnosed with MS he said 'leave me, you have enough on your plate taking care of Chad' I said 'I didn't care if he was a talking head in a bed as long as he was kind to me I wasn't leaving' I meant that. Lately he has been snapping at every single thing I do

Like seriously I can't do anything right, fuck man

Anyways, back to the title, guilt and shame, straying outside of your marriage or straying with a married person comes with a lot of guilt and shame, I would advise you to take some time and pray hard before you do anything rash. But I won't because I don't know you, nor do I pretend to, I am not judging anyone just making an observation and giving my perspective...which has been fucked up for 55 years so take it with a grain of salt

peace begins within~