Life of secrets
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2022-12-26 21:39:36 (UTC)


Today is the 26th December. The date that my grandad gave me in my dream. I forgot until I was sitting around the table with my side of the family this afternoon. Nothing of any significance has happened today. I’m ovulating, but that’s it.

I doubt this is a successful cycle. We’ve had sex once. I’m beginning to give up on all of this. As if the process wasn’t hard enough, I married a guy with the lowest sex drive. This guy could be a woman. It’s so frustrating, I literally don’t know what to do anymore. Will it be successful if we have sex just once? Doing it more never worked anyway.

Christmas has been ok. I’m sick. I don’t know what it is yet. Right now it’s mostly in my throat. Probably a mix of stress and alcohol. I’ve literally just recovered from being unwell. It’s so soon to be poorly again. And yet here I am.

I became unwell on Christmas Day. Woke up tired. We spent the day at his dads place and as the day went on, I felt worse and my throat started to feel funny. You know that sick feeling ? I don’t know how to explain it…. And we had to leave and go home around 10.30pm. Of course, he sulked. And I had to suck up and be nice because I needed to have sex because of course, I got my peak ovulation test that morning and we hadn’t had sex at all this cycle. I can’t go the rest of this cycle with absolutely no hope. Even if it’s just from one time. Last cycle was one time too. Nothing happen.

But anyway, we had sex. It was forced but what the hell… I’ve told him I need sex so many times this month and he’s more interested in his damn car. He says he’s stressed and tired. He’s the only man I know who’s too stressed and tired to have sex.

I’m too emotionally exhausted to keep pestering him for sex. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do anymore, is the honest truth. Tell him I went a baby? He’d never agree to it. Even if he did, he’d never be able to have sex knowing it’s to get me pregnant. So then what? Divorce ? I don’t have the mental strength for that. It’s a waste of time having the conversation with him. And I’ve thought about it many times.

Anyway. Today we visited my family. I feel so much more relaxed with them. His family are fine…. But they still don’t really feel like my family.

I’m back home now. Feeling unwell and fed up.