Pillar of Light

What is normal?

I guess I haven’t wrote in a couple of weeks. This month just flew by.

I did see Gavin last week. We met at a hotel (a better one lol) and had amazing sex. He wanted to meet again the next day for lunch but my son ended up staying home with a headache so I had to cancel.

I had sex with my husband one day, which hasn’t happened in a long time. I still try to see if things could get better with him. My toddler fell asleep in our bed again so I layed a blanket in front of the fireplace and invited him over. He finished really fast and I wasn’t even close…so that was that. Sex with him just feels like a pointless chore. I Just do it sometimes to shut him up and put him in a better mood because he’s so cranky.

What is normal anymore for a family home life?
My teen boys stay in their rooms all day.
My husband works long hours and on his day off he is lazy on the couch watching sports or on his phone.
It’s just me and my toddler all day. Her following me around while I’m cooking and cleaning, and then I play with her.
Watching Anime with my middle son some nights.
It’s all not ideal for my imagination.

A couple of years ago I bought my husband a ping pong table (table tennis) for a present. I remember he loved to play when he was younger. The first few days we had it, the boys got into it too. We were having fun together. I loved that so much.

Eventually it took up a corner of the room and nobody wanted to play, so it went in the basement.

Yesterday was Christmas. It was as usual, the boys in their rooms. My husband laying on the couch in front of the tv while staring at his phone, puffing his vape pen.
I cooked dinner but nobody was hungry at the same time, so it turned into one by one filling a plate and eating separately.

I went into the basement to pull out some board games…called the boys to come and tried to get my husband in.
So I sat in the dining room playing games with my toddler, until finally my middle son came down. He started playing the mini basketball and soccer games with my toddler.
My husband got in for a quick second with his competitive nature saying “give it to me, you guys don’t know how to score”. I jokingly mimicked him and I think he got upset and layed back down on the couch.
I ran to do some laundry while my toddler had her brother to play with.
A few minutes, and she showed up crying by the laundry room looking for me.

I found my son back in his room playing video games. “I thought you were playing with her”. He said I was but she started crying for you. At least he put in an effort, my oldest son didn’t even move from his room except for food and drinks. Plus his clean clothes were still not put away and he’s been hoarding the laundry baskets I needed back.

It makes me sad for them. They will never get their childhood back, and they don’t even know how to enjoy it.
Just sitting on video games and tik tok wasting their day. Missing out on family time, when soon they will be off to college. Their baby sister will have grown up without a connection with her big brothers.

All the other moms make the same complaints about their teens. It’s become the new norm. Or is it that we are just accepting this? What can we do? Force them off their devices until they drive us nuts complaining and how much they hate us.

I’m always trying with little success. I cook every night expecting us to sit for at least dinner together and it only happens sometimes. I used to send the boys group texts with a planned activity and they hated it.

I blame myself for a lot of it. My oldest son makes comments on how I’m always tired. And my middle son says that I get angry so fast. I may not be doing a good job keeping positive energy in the house.
Yes I’m tired and frustrated cleaning up after everyone all day, and it’s all a cycle.

This week I’m going to do some visualizing of what my ideal home life would look like. As well as taking care of myself so I can have the energy to be that mom. It was kind of embarrassing that My oldest son had to tell me that I have to eat more because he noticed that I barely eat and that’s why I’m so tired. And he’s right.