Life of secrets
R would always tell me I was being too hard on myself. I never thought the day would come when I’d find myself having to dig through my memory and think of all the things he’d say to reassure me. I need his reassurance more than ever. I’ve spiralled out of control without him.
I don’t think I’m being too hard on myself now… I’ve really gone too far.
Not because I’m evil, though. I don’t think I am anyway. I’ve come to this because I’m tired and desperate. I keep saying that I’m desperate and I hate that word. But I really am! I’m desperate for the things I want in life. I’ve made mistakes, ones I can’t get out of, and I’m tired of trying so hard.
I often think to myself, maybe I DO have the strength to do what I have to do. Or what they say we have to do. But also, maybe I don’t…. Maybe I actually don’t.
When I think about having to do it, I feel sick to my stomach. I’d rather die. Is that what God would want? I doubt it.
I’ve just really lost myself in trying to reassure myself and make myself feel better, but in all the wrong ways. I needed R more than he needed me. He’d always tell me that he needed me. But he didn’t. He’s fine without me. I’ve totally lost it, without him.