Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-12-23 11:30:29 (UTC)

Christmas Eve' Eve

Life will always try to make things difficult for you, but every time you overcome obstacles, you come out stronger.

Well last night was a success, I was able to get everything done that I needed to and not have 1 single bad experience. The lines were huge but the people were all friendly and nice so Merry Christmas to everyone. Mike did his Christmas shopping last night too, he even got me something (not sure if he was or not) and made me open it last night, so I gave him his presents too. So we had our Christmas last night, I guess. He brought home some Chinese food we had for dinner that was super good. Tonight after work he is taking his guys out to dinner for Christmas, I think that is so nice. Hope the roads are safe for them. Mike just got to work and text the roads are icy to leave early and take the back roads, I am all man it's supposed to get worse today I don't want to get to work and not make it home, so I am hoping/praying that my boss calls it off.

This morning during meditation a thought came to me, Mike said I chose norco over him, no I CHOSE NORCO OVER MYSELF....and that just makes me super sad.

At the time it was just so much easier to give in to the little red devil dude on my shoulder than keep fighting him, I didn't have the time or energy to keep fighting him, I was so tired so very very tired. I never dealt with Chad's death, Mike's MS, really, remember I am the queen of denial, still sometimes to this day, has it really been almost 8 years since my baby boy died? Best way to explain it, I was drowning, and for some reason norco seem to make me float, I don't know. I'm not glamorizing drugs at all, it just helped me at a really really dark time in my life, it saw I was in pain and it grabbed me and held on for life. I needed that time in rehab, I am so thankful that I was given that time in rehab, I am so grateful that God removed this from my life.

Now, I have already confronted my biggest fear and that was being exposed and I kind of did that to myself when I made the facebook post, plus I talk about it all the time. I am totally honest about it too, not to my boss, but like when people ask about Mike and me I say I think we are 'separated' not really sure, we are still together but he needs time'. Most of the time people are like 'omg he is leaving you because of this?' that's when I say 'well there's a little more to the story than you know' (this is with friends at work) then I tell them that I was taking Mike's norco also, so I stole from him and betrayed him since he didn't know I was taking the norco at all. They just smile and say well this will work out he loves you and you are doing what you need to do to fix it so that counts for something and if it doesn't, you just keep shining

Mike thinks I trash him all the time, I don't

Like I was saying, now that it's out there everyone I know knows. So now I need to work up the courage to help others, speaking of that. My friend at work was just telling me her friend has a daughter that is 13 years old and having a really hard time right now with her cystic fibrosis. She is in the hospital fighting an infection and was just diagnosed with cf related diabetes. That brought back all the memories of Chad being diagnosed with cf related diabetes, that was posted in a diary I have on here somewhere. I remember that was the first time I seen all hope drained from his face, I remember not really talking about it, just keeping to ourselves and being sad with the news and all this new meds we now had to learn. We were supposed to meet another mother and her daugher with cf to encourage them the next day and I remember thinking we were so broken right then how would we be good for anyone? I prayed and cried myself to sleep that night, the next morning I remember Chad came out of his room with a brand new light about him (it had drained the previous day) he was like 'ok we can kick this diabetes ass too, just another boss in the game of life you have to beat' He renewed me, ok we've got this, the people came and were inspired. That my friends was God, nothing but God. Anyways the mother is really struggling, I told her as long as she lets her know my outcome of the story ends with my son dying and she is okay with that (some people are different, don't want to hear stories of encouragement when the person dies I guess) that she can feel free to call me.

So I guess this is actually where I can start because I can tell her that no matter what she is going through DRUGS are not the answer, that was my route and it didn't turn out so good.

I don't know I just have to do something

I think people are going to get fucking sick of me



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