Life of secrets
I have come to realise something.
My friend (the one who put boundaries on how often we can talk etc) just lost her grandmother. And I was thinking, when my grandad died in 2020, why dont i remember her being around? I dont remember getting any support from her…. I dont remember talking to her…. Was it because R was around at the time, so I spoke to him more? Even so, I should still be able to remember her being there. I even wondered if we were talking at the time, and yes, we were.
It made me realise, that people are not around when I am going through a hard time. And she made me feel guilty by talking to her about my infertility so much, however she was not there before. She was not around for 10 years of my life, good and bad, because she chose to cut me off. But she’s quick to put boundaries when I’m struggling with infertility. God forbid, for once, I actually need support.
So I‘ve struggled to be there for her during this. Sure, i’ve asked how she’s doing. But in all honestly, she wasn’t that close with her grandmother. In fact, I never heard her say that she’s visiting her - I didn’t even know about her until she became sick recently. For example, I am very close with my grandmother and I visit her on a regular basis. I talk about her etc. It seems to have been the opposite with this friend…. Suddenly the grandmother has died, and its plastered all over social media.
I asked her how she’s doing yesterday and she said “I’m trying to look at this logically”
How can you view a death, logically? What’s the process of that? Accepting that you live and die? I just thought it was a stupid thing to say…. Sometimes I think she makes things a bigger deal. Not that she’s not upset about the death of her grandmother. But like… maybe she’s not THAT upset, you know?
I don’t know. I’m just getting my thoughts out there so that they’re not so jumbled in my head.