05:51 In The Morning.
Straight diary entry.
And I have been awake since 04:44 a.m.
Agonizing over the decision to write something publicly.
Well I will...for my health and sanity.
The duress continues.
Since early October, life took one hell of a turn again. I am sick of living this way. I am sick of the fear. Of not being able to talk about anything that is going on and has transpired.
I am sick of it all. Sick of being angry. Sick of not knowing exactly what the fuck is going on.
I am sick of accepting the reality that I will never know exactly what is going on.
I am sick of the constant pathological fear.
My physical health condition (fibromyalgia) has seriously worsened as a result.
I am sick of living in trauma.
I am sick of being deeply angry.
I am enraged that this has cost me another psychotic break when I was almost done with the first one.
I am sick of working with sick people.
Early October I went to the media and things rapidly changed from there.
I am sick of my stalker neighbours, yes you read right, it's plural now.
A List Of The Things I Am Grateful For.
○ a measure of safety and reasonable peace that I have not experienced in a very long time. Even though I don't trust it to last. Incredibly grateful.
○ Perfect Help. Incredibly grateful.
○ the small but great stream of gifts leading up to Christmas. Incredibly grateful.
○ the gift of my granddaughter's holiday visit to be with grandma.
○ the long desired ability to exercise courage in its wisest, stronger capacity. This is very effective I'm discovering.
○ social support among the best this world has to offer.
○ mini spiritual awakenings. Wow. Sometimes I don't even realize that I'm having them.
○ The Good Books.
○ philosophical thought that I can relate to, act upon and brings about growth.
○ biting the bullet when I'd rather fire the fucker.
○ humble pie.
○ an apology from someone who never apologizes.
○ being stalked less and less.
○ gorgeous men! (You know who you are.)
○ Book Club.
○ my sewing machine.
○ my toothbrushes.
○ my vacuum cleaner.
○ my one pair of jandals.
○ this painfully arduous journey of healing.
○ God as I understand Him.
○ The Beloved Angel as I understand Her.
○ my family. And no, just because they're mentioned at the bottom of this Gratitude List does not mean that they are last. They are in fact first after God.