rotten

resembling a lobotomy patient

three nights to christmas, one to my birthday. feels weird somehow - i think i've spent huge parts of my days dissociating again, and that's why. big things tend to always feel kinda unreal though.

today was the 'celebration of light' thingy at the paja, and i had quite a nice time! i really like some of the people there, and i've even grown to like many who i ...didn't, at first. on monday was the peer leader 'graduation' and that was absolutely lovely as well - i'm really glad i stuck with it for the whole seven week period, and i'm even more glad i decided to adjust my attitude in the beginning, because i ended up really enjoying it. i think i might even start to miss going there on mondays! weird. we did that thing where everyone wrote their names on a piece of paper and then we passed them around and wrote nice, affirming things about each other. people wrote really sweet things on mine and i wrote fucking novellas on everyone's, lmao. like i always do, i don't think it's possible for me to express myself shortly... the guys who work there had prepared coffee and cake and we got certificates and roses and everything, it was kinda ridiculous but kinda moving - especially since there were people who said they had never graduated from anything (besides 9th grade) before. congrats hugs were also a thing and yes it was ridiculously nice to get a hug from s, it was a tight bear hug. i mean i wasn't there for it, obviously i spaced out and lost my ability to make eye contact the second they called my name and everyone clapped and i had to stand up and crap. suddenly being made the center of attention really makes me lose all the normal-human-skills i've forced myself to learn in life, and i hate it. but yes. it was a good hug. i wish i would've been more present for it, but oh well. i took home three roses and only one of them didn't survive through the freezing weather - 2/3 still being alive and well is a success in my books.

when i got home on monday i was kinda inspired by all the affirmation writing, so i decided to craft little notes for the employees of the paja, as christmas presents. i also made each of them a fridge magnet with a chosen newspaper clipping on it and then wrapped everything up nicely. i thought about doing it anonymously at first, but then decided to just give them the notes right before leaving on tuesday, so i wouldn't have to be there when they opened them - but i ended up just handing them out when there was a quiet moment and they weren't too busy. i heard them all gush over the visuals, and then v came up to me with teary eyes and said that no one had ever written anything so beautiful about her. that made the whole thing feel more important and less cringey, as i feared they'd view it as kinda ridiculous and that maybe the things i wrote were a tad bit too ... intensive. h thanked me really sweetly too, said it was his first christmas present of the year and that it's really nice to get feedback. m took her time and then came out of her office crying and jokingly said it's not really nice to make people cry in the middle of their work day, lol. she was really sweet too and spent a good minute gushing over how pretty i had made everything be. s i think was just a bit stunned about the whole thing, perplexed in a cute way - dang that one was the most difficult to write btw. i think everyone else's came out way more fangirly, and his just kinda ... businesslike. why am i so embarrassing?? anyway, he also said thanks, told me it was 'finely written' and that i'm 'clearly gifted in observing and encouraging others'. i think a will get hers tomorrow, and i hope they find a way to deliver i's too. she was ill on monday and apparently we were both ill on friday, so i didn't get to say goodbye :( sucks, but perhaps we'll see each other again some time, somewhere.

yesterday was a good paja day in other ways too, although very quiet. there were a bunch of shoes and coats though, but most were in the role playing group the entire day. i played like eight rounds of solitaire, lol - and drank at least five cups of coffee. got absolutely nothing done besides the solitaire, but it was good. before i left there was also quite a long moment where it was just me and s in the 'salon' (as the lobby is fancily called), and it was nice. obviously. i mean sure, i was awkward as hell, didn't say much and asked no counter questions, but he was lovely and strummed the guitar while i was being an idiot. i don't know why that happens, but it does. whenever he's near i become a lobotomy patient, all my social skills and normalcy disappear into thin air. it's absolutely ridiculous, and i hate it. i'd like to be able to stay calm, not panic, and discuss things like a normal person. but noooo, no... if this is what it's like to 'have a crush on somebody' or being 'into' someone, i don't want it, thanks. 0/5 stars, can't recommend. ughh. i hope i get over it soon, but so far no such luck - quite the contrary actually. i think he's around my age, and i think there's a good chace he's single. not that it's in any way a 'chance' for me, but y'know, the way he talks about his life sounds like he might at least live alone. i haven't asked though, and i'm not going to. unless i become even more unhinged and queasy.

after the paja, i went to m's. we went to prisma to get some food, cheese and crackers - and she got me a small bouquet of roses cuz there was some on sale. i love them - and to melt my car a bit. on our way back i picked up something a had bought from some lady on the fb marketplace, and then we just. hung out and discussed the wonders and quirks of language/languages the whole night hahah. we were both quite tired but it was a good time, as it always is with m. today at the paja we had brownies, apple bake and tiny karelian pies with eggbutter, and made friendship bracelets, listened as one of us read a few stories and poems out loud, watched an episode of 'moomin' and just talked a buuuuunch. one of the rooms had fire cracking noises playing in the background and a 10 hour video of a fireplace projected on the wall the entire day, and it created a lovely ambience. around six L picked me up with her dad's car - as i told her mine makes weird noises, which it does btw, i think there's something wrong with the brakes and i don't like it - and we went to a few places for christmas gifts. she wanted to talk to me about some very heavy stuff; think i'll leave writing about that to another day tho. i wish things would get easier and better for her and p... anyway. i'm quite tired rn, and as that's such a rare occasion, i'm gonna head to bed. gotta be fresh for my birthday, duhh!