Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-12-21 12:22:43 (UTC)

4 more days

Ugh, Christmas is actually my least favorite time of the year, this year it's not bothering me that bad. It's going to be small this year because of my dad's surgery we don't want to be around people. So we are having Christmas on Christmas eve, just pizza and hanging out with parents and sister. Mike isn't going. He is sending gifts, this year I have to buy my own gifts, I haven't bought gifts in 10 years, I suck at gift buying. Gift cards from me and not a lot, I have paid my half of bills for this month but since I was in the hospital a week I missed pay so that sucks, but I can get some things. My daughter and I are just giving gifts with our last pay check of the year the 30th so that's cool.

106 days today can I get an amen?

Forgiveness is to accept the fact that the past can't change.

I accept that I can't change the past, but I can do all I can do to make sure I can maybe help someone else. Since I have announced that I am a recovering addict, I am amazed at how many people, I personally have known for years, that have been in recovery for years, for the same thing. Like wtf? I would have asked them for guidance had I known that they were just like me and wouldn't judge. I don't know, would I of? who knows. I'm just glad I have tons of people to talk to now. Once winter is over I am becoming active in helping young people and addiction, not sure what I can do but I feel like I have to try, you wouldn't believe the stories I could tell you about my time in rehab, very very sad

My recovery is the first thing in my life, without that I am no good to anyone else. So while this diary seems like all I am focused on is my marriage (mostly true) I am letting that go for right now, I believe this will work itself out the way it's supposed to.

He just needs some space, some time. I can respect that and honor his wishes. I'm just going to keep doing me, putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I will continue being kind and loving to him no matter if we end up together or not, he has been my rock and absolute love of my life for over 10 years, I don't want to add any stress to him at all. This isn't easy for him either. I believe that if it's meant to be it will be.

My only issue now.....remember the little fucking devil that sat on my shoulder telling me to just take the damn pills he wouldn't do anything anyways? well he is back, and while I know in my heart there is no one else this little fucker is messing with my mind, well he was, I'm done with his ass today too. We agreed to no dating for 6 months while separated, but I keep reading, well no more, those rabbit holes I fell into and ugh yeah so little dude keeps telling me 'there is some one else saying 'oh you poor sweet man, that evil woman stole your meds and lied and betrayed you? I would never do that if you were my man?" blah blah blah Like dude I don't trust women...ugh

I tell you he honestly made me feel like I was 13 years old, maybe I have always been insecure, seems about right. How could I ever get a good man like Mike, who would want me? Isn't that what Bob and Les both told me for a combined 26 years of my life? how unlovable I was, how people hated me, they didn't think I was funny, they weren't laughing with me they were laughing at me, yeah I have probably always been insecure. Norco maybe like alcohol does, gave me that false confidence.

Not sure, but there is nothing fake to hide behind now so I am just going to have to dig deep to come up with my own real confidence. Like I am confident I guess, not sure what I mean

I know I am a kick ass worker, I do talk a lot and fuck around, but I get shit done. I am reliable, you can rely on me to call in sick once a month, haha ok not funny too soon?

I am an amazing person, I love everyone, I am kind to everyone, I have tons of friends and people that love me, I can really actually allow myself to see that now and I can't tell you how that feels.

2023 watch me shine!



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