Love, life and loss
2022-12-20 13:04:45 (UTC)


So the dreaded covid has got me again
This time last year I had pneumonia then covid earlier this year in feb
I feel worse than both of those put together
But nurses on strike today. Ambulances on strike tomorrow
So suffer at home it is until I physically cannot breathe then I'll consider going in
Too unwell to get to my heart appt today for my results and talk about the plan
Didnt want to go anyway but had spent last night building myself up to going
Until I woke up at midnight literally unable to breathe and in a massive panic
Did a test and yeah.. covid.. so here's Christmas either in hospital or isolated in the bedroom. Guess thatll save me going to Ryan's mums and playing happy families with the in laws
Ryans gone to work and then staying at the other house until I'm better so he doesnt catch it for Christmas
Text me earlier to say itll be a lonely week for him, no cuddles and sex, dinner for one, blah de blah. He said he might make the most of the evenings catching up with friends to pass some time
Never mind me isolating in my room unable to breathe and 24/7 stuck with my thoughts and flash backs but of course I dont say that, I tell him how rubbish it must be for him and how I encourage him to do what he needs to to pass his time
Since when did one of the kindest, most caring, gentle and supportive friends/partner become so selfish and have nothing on his mind other than sex and him feeling lonely? This is not the Ryan I've known for 15 years. Not the ryan I fell in love with 3 years ago. Not the Ryan that supported me through everything, this is a selfish Ryan who thinks about his own needs and desires for a daily fuck ... I dont care about him wanting to meet his own needs and putting himself first.. I'm fine with that, but not when it involves me. I no longer want daily sex for fun, I dont want to make a baby. Pre covid all I wanted was just to repair ourselves individually then to repair ourselves together. But I cant see it happening

I'm so so gutted because I love ryan with everything I have. Hes a huge part of my life and i cant help but constantly think that us falling in love, falling pregnant and losing our baby girl has broken us to the point we risk losing not only our relationship but our friendship

I cant live life without Ryan in it I really cant

I'm hoping that I'm over thinking things as I'm poorly, upset, stressed, cant breathe, coughing, worrying about my heart, missing both of my baby girls, left with my own messy thoughts. I'm exhausted and hoping thst if covid doesnt kill me this time then maybe once I'm over it things wont feel so bad and we can move on

Cant see a life without him in it