Life of secrets
I did a stupid thing but I knew it was coming these last few weeks… I paid for a fertility spell. I feel guilty. I feel desperate. I feel sad. I feel like I have just given £40 to a stranger who will probably pretend to do a spell and nothing will come of it. How stupid do I have to be? I can’t believe that I have stooped this low.
Imagine if i get pregnant though.
The guilt is linked to my religion. I am led to believe (and I do believe?) that all of this is a sin. I go back and forth in my head daily and the dialogue is generally this - oh my god, i can’t believe I’ve done this, I feel awful! But I’m struggling so bad and no one knows. I’M SO TIRED. How can I fix this? I want to fix this and concentrate on my faith. But I can’t. Fixing this, means having to confess. If I confess, my whole (pretend) world falls apart. Can i deal with that? No. I may even kill myself. Would God want me to go through that? No. But maybe he’d give me the strength to cope? I dont want the strength. I’m a bad person. I need to feel better because I can’t cope. I want a baby and can’t have one - what will give me some hope? Back to psychics.
And its a cycle over and over. It feels like an addiction. My therapist told me its the dopamine hit that i am getting out of it. I hope at some point, I can move forward.
I dont even know if my husband will be well enough to have sex with me this cycle. I have been unwell, with the same thing everyone’s been coming down with - although its not been as bad. And I think I may have passed it onto him. Although I have a week before I am ovulating, it may be ok. I am actually ovulating over Christmas this year. Which doesn’t really mean anything. I’m still going into 2023 not pregnant and still trying. I can’t believe I’m going into my third year. Its actually bonkers.
The friend that told me we will only speak when she wants, has been talking to me and I’ve not told her anything about me. All conversation has been about her. She hasn’t noticed. She asked how I am yesterday and I stood frozen looking at my phone screen because, what can I say? I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about anything to do with my mental health and not being able to get pregnant. And why should I share anything good with her, if she is no longer interested in the bad? I dont have the energy to pretend to another person that I am fine. So I told her, I’d rather she didn’t ask since she put down boundaries on what we can talk about and how often we can talk. She then sent a voice note, screeching about how she was just expressing how she felt at the time and she wants to know how I am, genuinely.
I dont know… I still dont feel comfortable. And for me to shut down when it comes to expressing myself to you, is bad. I mean, I will generally talk to anyone who will listen….
My anxiety isn’t great lately. A lot of it is linked to my religion. Its not good that religion gives me anxiety, is it?
We haven’t found a house yet. We saw a beautiful one on Saturday, which was located in a village towards Oxford, however they dont use gas mains and the reception there just didn’t exist. Calls to my mobile were going straight to voicemail and working from home would be close to impossible. The house was perfect though. I just have to be realistic and I dont think it would be practical. Hopefully we can find something similar in the new year, but a bit closer and around the same price.
Asking for too much? Probably! But worth the ask.