Eel

Microsteps

i keep throwing my urge to write into a journal instead of focusing on the progress notes at work i desperately need to catch up on.
but the mindless, mundane, routine writing - problem. intervention. evaluation. it gets tiring. especially when you interact with fifty something students a day.
but i still adore the elusive art of recording whatever my thoughts can verbalize, frozen in the exact moment of time it is written.
muki has been coping better with the disease progression, but he is still pretty hurt. i'm determined to help him however i can - i'm not gonna give up on him just because i'm comfortable.
i'm understanding now how fear impacts him and guides his behavior. some people have more powerful fears than others,
but their ability to channel it is what sets them apart.

i submitted my resume again. to another analyst position.
i'm determined to not be afraid anymore. i'm determined to stop letting fear dictate my life.
that means i have to develop healthy fears against that which holds me back.
and remove the current fears i have in progressing forward because i feel that i'm not ready.
but perhaps that is adulthood - acknowledging that the rest of your life is a ball game with no instruction manual.
at least loved ones make it easier.

even the potters on this show what it's like to fail repeatedly. that fear of failure is certainly crippling.
but the more i work through it, the better i become at managing myself.
i'm excited to have a steady job without a wacky job schedule.
i'm excited to start applying myself to technology and learning every day.
i'm nervous, realistically so, but will choose to be more engaged by my dreams than by my fears.