rotten

no more benefits

it's so damn pretty outside. we haven't had much wind and it's been so fucking cold for so fucking long that the trees are pretty as fuck. my heart almost can't take it. i wish i had a camera - more like i wish i had figured out whether or not the film camera i bought from the flea market years and years ago worked. would be amazing to shoot with that out there. and while i'm on the topic of random notions; i have irish cream & coffee quark, and it's luxuriously delicious. anyway.

i've been dm'ing back and forth with j for the past day or so. it had been a while; i'm not even sure when the last time we really talked was. he told me he and s started dating a while back. i was kinda surprised but also went "well it's about time"... it's been years in the making, and i'm happy for them. my girl m asked me if i was bummed to hear about their relationship - i guess she thought i'd be disappointed or jealous or something, and i did take a while to reflect on the matter. but i really don't think i am. i mean the fwb settlement i had with j was nice and i guess "worked" as neither of us developed feelings beyond friendship regardless of the physical intimacy, but we saw each other so rarely i'm really not that disappointed. and the last time we saw each other he got a bit handsy in the yard swing after the sun had gone down, so it will probably be nicer to hang out again now that the 'benefit' option has been ruled out. i don't know what all they've discussed and if they've done so with names, but luckily s doesn't seem like the jealous type. and anyway, the past is the past. although there was the time he stayed with her but visited me for some wine and sauna, i don't know what their situation was then... but then again, that's none of my business and i really don't care, so. whatever. he always said he wouldn't date before thirty, and he didn't. he waited for almost two years. i can't remember how old s is, but i think she's five or six years younger than him. in that regard it's kinda nice they waited a few years, at least now she can be considered an actual adult. it's so nice when nice people get together.

i've also been texting (mr) a(n) quite a bit. he really does not get adhd slash executive dysfunction, but then again, he's old, so. i might need to limit the subjects i discuss with him to not have my feelings hurt, a k a my nerves wrecked. but i tried explaining my lack of desire to live again, and realized it was surprisingly tough. he tried to tell me that sure there are people who still expect things from me and that there must be someone for me somewhere out there. i went on to complain about the men on dating apps and he laughed. but i've been making a list of all the things i hate - even though i very, very rarely even open the things, almost exclusively swipe left and on the occasion of a match, i never talk to anyone. have i already written about this? maybe i have. anyway, even with a risk of repeating myself, here's the list:
- people describing themselves as 'nice'. why would anyone do that? that's how to describe people you don't lik-- OH okay, nevermind
- people saying that "lungs" is what's close to their heart. i mean... ha-ha. good one. it's so funny and original i'm flabbergasted.
- people thinking of padel and golf as personality traits, apparently
- people taking pictures with their shirts off. whyyy?
- people beliving in the myers-briggs a 'little' too much
- people listing physical prefenreces in their bios. how about using their eyes? or don't these suckers know how the apps work??
- people saying things like "i'm tall enough for you to wear heels if you want to" - like i would ask for a permission just because they're fragile af
- people having pictures of children on their profiles, usually with notes about them not being their own but nieces/nephews/britneychildren. SO creepy
- people mentioning sarcasm or dark humour. 10/10 of those people wouldn't recognize ANY kinda humour no matter what
- people going into detail about their kinks, having disgustingly inappropriate pictures and the chain & black heart emojis in their bio
- people proudly being nazis
- people just listing all the sports they do and the ballgames they play as their whole persona and everything they wanna say about themselves
- people only having group pictures on their profile so that one has no way of telling which one the guy behind the profile is
- people who can not spell literally anything or insist on using a language they clearly suck at
- people thinking "my mum said i'm nice/handsome/whatever" is an original and amusing thing to put in their bio
- people straight up admitting to being irritating assholes or in any way shitty people, and thinking that's somehow charming or something
- people existing
and so on, and so on. i really should not be on any of those apps, i swear i'm gonna have an aneurysm. all other trauma falls second to witnessing the reality that is men on dating apps.

i'm gonna die alone and rn that sounds like something to be happy about and a future to look forward to with a sigh of relief.