Gone mental

Notes from my Black
2022-12-17 08:34:23 (UTC)

The key person after talking

Twitch’s suicide is still in the news. Everyone weighing in is obviously too late for Twitch to know he was loved and beloved. I’ve been there, exactly where he left off. The thing is, people… these experts… they don’t know. They care, but they don’t know. IF Twitch had reached out, it wouldn’t have been too late, but the fact that he didn’t, means his dark was abysmally bleak. I know. Nobody knew when I had hit that point. That point where I could not bear that weight.

When do you see the signs? For Twitch, no one did apparently. His wife shot a Christmas video with him last week. He probably never said a word. I’ve not heard that he had a history, so everyone was blindsided.

We’ve learned a bit about Tyler Perry recently. His helping the royals and also his own attempts. It’s super easy to brush him off since he’s super wealthy now, but he’s obviously in tune with people and reading them. He probably should lead the conversation on how to identify the signs. Personal I would have been suffocated by the attention, and not believed it was real or true if someone else r group had come to me and said it’s time to get help, or we care or honestly, if anyone had come to me and said “you matter”, I would have filed that away in the bullshit log. No one in that mindset has the bandwidth to hear you. I’m not saying don’t try. Do! But know that you are hitting on granite. Especially for someone who has dealt with depression for a long long time. We wear our masks and armor very cleanly. We don’t let people, know.

So what to look out for… they say eating changes. Weight changes… big life changes. Private time… less private time… wow… that’s crap. Really, watch for changes, I guess. For me, watch for changes in tone that go on for quite a while, like a few months. I haven’t been in that place for a while, but it’s a familiar place and memory. I can relive it with scary ease.

What I did to get the fuck out of it. I lived. I had therapy. I chose to not morph into expectations. I gave myself permission to not choose what others want me to choose. I got a little mad. I tried to mentor some people. Being a good and kind person, regard of the circumstance, gives me internal peace. I did flip off some turd with a maga type flag yesterday… but really the flag was vile and dehumanizing. I thought about pissing on the flagpole. Those people just suck… and giving myself the permission to really be angry at their disgusting, racist, patriarchal, antisemitism… that has been a good thing.

I have a Coexist sticker on my vehicle. I put it on there with so much pride. I do believe it’s a beautiful concept, but when people outwardly attack the core belief of it… when they attack the core fundamentals of our country, like getting rid of the constitution… this is just not ok. Ok, no more political crap.

So if you are going through shit, know that you are not the first. You probably won’t be the last, but when you come out from under that darkened heavy oxygen sucking time of life, know there will be good things to witness. These good things may not be what you expected though. You may think it’s going to be a great job… but it will actually be the birds that frequent the creek you like to walk past. You may really want it to be that relationship… but for you it may be the sunrise over the sand, whenever you want it. I’m not saying it won’t be the job or the relationship, I’m just saying your relationship with what makes you happy might just change. That change may be the best thing that ever happens to you.

Also know that for those who have traveled to the edge of life’s platter and camped there for a while, they will likely revisit there on occasion. Don’t fall into the trap of being their savior. They also need time and oxygen to breathe and re work through the crap they figured out a few times already. It’s not a linear progression. It’s loops and setbacks and steps forwards sideways and backwards… the object is to find what made these dark thoughts so plentiful. The object is to understand and with that understanding, move forward.

Maybe this made sense. Im. It checking it for typos… be well all.

Here’s my shout out to my dark friends. You know who you are. I get you. I love you. Be hugged. Thank you for you. If you need me to show up for you, you know I will.