rotten

goodbye, mr. boss

i think i'm finally somehow 'sober' enough to process the passing of the legendary mr. stephen boss. it still feels unreal though. celebrities dying don't always impact me that much, but some of them... damn. especially suicides, for obvious reasons. i'm still not over chester bennington - i don't think i'll ever be, tbh. but this sure is another one that will take a while, at least. or then another forever. i vividly remember the moment i first saw him on my tv screen, on 'SYTYCD' season four. it was one of those 'love at first sight' moments for sure. such a talented man, such a luminous personality, and what a smile. makes me grind my teeth when headlines described him as "the dj from ellen" or anything to do with ellen, altough i guess that was his biggest gig, it just feels wrong. belittling, somehow. he was so much more. i don't feel like writing down the obvious things; how devastating it always is when they got kids, how eerie it feels that there are videos of him dancing and smiling and being seemingly happy just hours before he took his own life, things like these. it's alw--oftentimes utterly sad when a life is lost, and everyone with their own struggles knows that moments of happiness don't necessarily make up for the greater pain of existence. sometimes there's no thing or no one that'd be enough of a reason to keep going. that's just how it is. life is such a shitty thing.

the most fucked up thing of course is the fact that my initial reaction is always jealousy. i can't help it, i'm jealous of everyone who ... gets to leave. yes, my diary is the only place where i'd use that expression, but that is truly what it feels like for me. on my worst moments i'm real mad at my 'reasons', simply for existing. making me stay.

i'm experiencing the morning hours again, although not as vividly as yesterday. my kitchen window is frozen, i scratched a word "boo" on it. i really need to call maintenance - and that's my motivation to clean up this hell hole. i know those guys have probably seen literally everything, but i mean. i'd like to think i still have some dignity. diggity. i probably don't though. i drew some snowflakes on my living room window with the white and golden markers i purchased a while back (made for windows and mirrors and shit), just a few small ones in the upper right corner. most of them came out kinda wonky, but for now it's all the holiday decorating i've done, so i kinda love them. i feel weird about it being a saturday again. this was the only weekend i didn't have anything booked before my bday and the xmas, and thankfully so, as i'm still not over this bitch called covid. i might leave the apartment today though, if i continue to feel brave, lol. might need to test my lungs by opening the door of my frenchie for a bit first, or then i'll just dive straight into the deep end, we'll see. how exciting, not. why am i like this? oh, right. i haven't slept in almost 47 hours now.

maybe i should start vacuuming the place.