Life of secrets
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2022-12-17 06:53:35 (UTC)


It’s almost 7am - I’ve been up since 6. Woke up with the realisation that the heating was not on which means, the gas has run out. Which means £50 was used in one week. Is it me, or does it feel like the coldest winter now that the prices have gone up? It’s like they knew….

Either way, it’s absurd.

I’m waiting for him to wake up and get mad that he can’t have a shower.

We are seeing 3 houses this morning. One of them towards Oxford which is relatively far. An hours drive from here. There are two houses I am anticipating but one of them I already know we won’t like.

I had a dream about R again last night. I was with his sister outside where he lives, except it looked nothing like where he lives. I dont know what I was doing with his sister, but eventually I had to go into his house, I think to use the toilet, and I was scared I’d see him. I remember thinking, he works nights so should be asleep. His house was full of people…. And then I thought I saw him. At first I decided to completely ignore him. After all, I’m mad at him for not contacting me, right? But then I changed my mind and wanting him in my life took over. So I approached him to say “hey, we need to talk” and as I tapped him on his arm, he turned to me and it wasn’t him.

Sometimes I want to turn up at his house, in real life. But I’m scared. It feels like he’s an ex lover. He’s not. But I do love him so much. It scares me that he may not feel the same. Maybe all those years were lies.

I hope not.

I need to start getting ready now. Our first viewing is at 9.30am and I need to see whether I can run out to get gas before he wakes up. I know he won’t do it.