rotten

cheshire cat's hour

the morning hours always make me feel like i'm losing my mind. i look at my hands and don't recognize them or the way that they move, the way i move them. the delicate movement, like a dancer's arms and hands - and i can't dance. it makes me shiver, it makes me wanna rip my hair out, it makes me wanna scratch my skin off. but instead i just keep moving, and coughing, this time around. it's been a week of covid now. the fever is gone but that's about it, my ears are clogged still and my nose is stuffy as hell. everything is uncomfortable, even without the morning hour madness. and there is that too, the morning hour madness. the lizzy mcalpine mood, the something i can't nor have ever been able to fully put into words, this indescribable ... i don't know what to call it, it's not a feeling, it's something much more. when it gets like this, nothing grounds me. nothing is enough. i mean another person might be, but i'm not sure i'll ever find out if that'd be the case. right now i don't even have w with me - which is good, as the air outside hurts not only my face but my lungs too, and i bet mum's been having a blast with her. she even booked w a nail clipping appointment! i'm so proud of her, because i know how much it sometimes takes doing shit like that. my face is all swollen and puffy from all the coughing and covid and everything, and it feels even more unfamiliar than usually in these bizarre hours. i don't think my fingers would recognize it either way, but that kinda makes the sensation even weirder though. i mean to think that my face feels unfamiliar but i can tell it's not the familiar unfamiliarity, but it's a new kind of unfamiliarity, like an amplified sorta weirdness. i can feel a few single strands of brow hair in places they're not supposed to be but i know for certain my pupils wouldn't focus even if i tried to plug those out now. there's no place i'd like to be in now. okay, maybe the italian country side. or somewhere with northern lights. i can feel my heart beating in my throat, is that normal? can i always feel that? have i just gotten used to it the same way i'm used to seeing my nose at all times? when i went to pee at first i thought my 'forest bath' room scent had run out but then i remembered i have no sense of smell at the moment, so. i picked up one of the sticks anyway, just to check. it was still moist. why do so many people hate the word moist? it's not even that bad. since it's day 8 of covid, maybe i could go to the store today? i've been craving orange juice, like i always do. and salmiakki. black pantteris, to be precise. although my HS will hate me for the sugar, i think i'm gonna buy some anyway. and maybe some sushi, if i can make it to CM. would probably have to dig the car out from the huge pile of snow for that though, but then again, i also need to go to the pharmacy and that's at the CM too, so. i'm gonna have to do the digging anyway. not that it's that much longer of a walk than one to Prisma is, but still. i have the neuropsychiatrist's appointment on tuesday and i still haven't either slept or picked up the new drugs. or not new, but the ones he wanted me to try again. okay i guess they could be considered new since the last time i tried them was like 14 years ago, i don't know. something like that. maybe this time they'll do the trick? have i taken my meds? more like, when was the last time i took my meds? i have been taking clonidine and thyroxine, so the most important ones, with all the pills i've taken for the covid symptoms, but i have skipped my adhd meds. other adhd meds, that is. and bupropion. dang, maybe that's why my head feels so f'd up? maybe that's what's causing these tiny little electric shock sensations? i don't miss the ones i got from quitting venlafaxine, these are nothing like those, thank god. britney? god. idk. i don't think i believe in god. not anymore. i'm not sure if i've admitted to that before this, but here we go. the concept of a god is insane. it's ridiculous. it makes no sense. the christian god, that is. or any god i know, or not know, have heard of? none of those make any sense. not that a god must make sense, i don't think that's the function of a god. to make sense. but still, i'd need that, to keep believing in one. i think. maybe. i'm not sure. i think i might still believe there to be an entity of some kind. i don't think i've been able to let that go. but the christian faith just gives me the chills, and not in a good way. everytime anyone talks about it nowadays i just wanna run. i feel like i leave my body the instant it's mentioned, in a way. i dead pan and just nod, if there's someone expecting some sort of reaction from me. the baby shower was the last time that happened. dang it i've been swallowing air again without realizing it and now the small burps will never stop. my toes are cold. i should go wash my hair. i should also change my sheets. and vacuum. and clean. there's so. much. dishes. there's so much shit. i also need to take the christmas cards to a mail box - there's no way they'll reach their destinations before christmas, but hey. at least i'm sending some. even if it's only four, and to those who always send me some. except for grandma, she doesn't send cards nowadays, and i'm not sure my aunt does either. and i've yet to receive s's card this year, my godmother's one i got. i should text her. and i should call gran. and i should moisturize my elbows, they feel like sand paper. it's actually kinda painful. atopic eczema is a bitch. covid is one too. why is this entry so unhinged? i shouldn't be allowed near any writing devices when in this state of mind or whatever this is. i feel like i might throw up