barefoot & barely lifelike
2022-11-25 08:12:24 (UTC)

wednesday addams

it's 8am and i just finished watching the series. i didn't plan to binge it all in one go, it just happened. i should've known that was how it was gonna go, it's not the first time this has happened. i'm kinda surprised the show wasn't too much for me - the hyde was creepy as hell though, but also kinda ridiculous, so. i managed. i really like the casting! that's the first thing to be said about the whole thing. the casting is genius, all the way through. it's kinda poetic that christina ricci's in it too, and *spoiler alert* especially the part she plays. ok i suppose it's not that much of a spoiler, the second i saw her i knew her character would be important. the plot twists were better than most, but you just knew she was... well. important. anyway, i truly enjoyed the episodes. it's nice that there'll probably be more. one day. fingers crossed! i can't wait to go down the rabbit hole of bts material from the filming and shit like that. the dance scene especially was iconic. i hope others would watch the show too so i'd have people to discuss it with lol. i posted about it on my ig story, and only one other person so far has told me they saw it too. that's the downside of being an early worm - having to wait for others to catch up. i have a feeling this show will be a hit and i think i know at least a few people who could be into it, so. i will wait patiently. another thing i'm waiting for is the third season of emily in paris, that'll come out a day before my birthday. i'm glad i don't have to think about what i'd want to do on my bday, as i can just watch netflix alone hehe. christmas is still a huge question mark though... but i'll probably just go hang out with my mum.

it's snowing outside. i don't like it. i mean it's nice that there'll be more light, but i assume it'll also get more slippery and eventually more freezing. i'm thinking about going to the culture house today, there's free working time starting at 10... i wonder why the bus app has suddenly forgotten my stop exists, it's weird. it also loses the bus i usually take every time i'm about to hop on and try to check if it's late. i wonder when the last # 30 of the morning goes - # 11 takes forever. okay, seems to be 9:33 ... that's only 40 minutes from now. i gotta take w out and maybe do something to my face. i feel nauseous though, so maybe i shouldn't go anywhere and try to get some sleep instead? dunno. anyway, i'll come back to this entry later on today.

-- ended up going to the paja in the morning, took the more annoying bus - and ended up taking maybe like. seven? running steps to make it, and ohhhh boy was my leg mad about those. frustrates me that after almost 12 years the foot decides to get all angry out of the blue. like i have gone running, regularly, and that was fine. is it really just the break i've had? can't even run for a few meters? it sucks. when i got on the bus in the morning i legit thought (and/or hoped) i was gonna pass out from the pain. i have no idea what's going on, and i should, probably, once again, consult a doctor. it's just so exhaustinggggg! i don't wanna. i refuse. even if i'll never walk again. ok no. next time it hurts or if the current pain doesn't go away with rest, i promise i'll call. anyway, i was at the paja around 10:20, i'm not sure if i've ever been that early. i was pretty much a zombie for the day. at one point i tried napping on the community couch but couldn't, there was too much hazzle. got some rest though, so the time wasn't completely wasted. nice chats today too, some of the people there are really fun to be around. in the morning i & s were putting together some ikea shelves and the noise was unbelievable lmao, they beat the plugs down with rocks as they apparently couldn't find a hammer - the new shelves are nice, the board games and all that crap is much better organized now. the old one was falling apart and everytime anyone even breathed on it, the backboard popped out and turned off the lights lol. improvements were totally made today.

there are 2 things my time at the paja has taught me. one; as a person i'm kind of a dick, and two - i'm a f'ing coward too. not that i had ever fancied myself as particularly brave before, but like. it has really impressed me how brave some of the folks there are. especially with their art and creations; no matter what talents they possess, many of them just proudly present the things they've made. i've come to realize, yet again, HOW much i truly do live out of and through my shame, how much i'm consumed by it. i attended a new kinda group today, for like. meditative creative writing. and i read something of mine, a poem i wrote, out loud, to the others(!!) towards the end of the group sesh. i was so flipping nervous i almost blacked out. but the others? they just went for it. sure a few were super nervous just like i was, but definitely not everyone. na-ah. i know it's a toxic thought pattern to think of someone as 'brave' for presenting their art "even if it's not *that good*" or "anything special" in *my* books. having any 'books' what-so-ever is toxic, and disgusting... but i truly believe it to have more to do with my self-criticism and shame issues than with other people and their artistic skills. i really couldn't care less what the things others make look/sound like, i'm just super impressed anyone ever finishes anything, really. and if they even got the balls to...

--- my god. i went to edit this entry, like just to correct a small typo in the beginning, and apparently i somehow managed to delete a huge part of it? fuck. i actually feel like crying, how did this happen? there were at least two more paragraphs... fuck. FUCK fuuuuuckety fucking fuck
-- NO the entry just existed as a double, thank god. here we go, the rest copied: allow others to see those things... phew. that's really difficult for me, and i'm not completely sure why. okay it's probs mostly due to my self-criticism and the habit of demanding perfection, duhh. but i always get super frustrated when i try to create *anything* - if it's like a painting etc., nothing ever turns out like i've imagined in my head and that pisses me off, and if it's something verbal, everything just feels so clishe. using common phrases, pairing words with others they're usually paired with, having things rhyme too perfectly. i'm allergic to all of that. the fact that originality might very well be plain impossible to achieve just... scares the living shit out of me. it makes me uncomfortable, it makes everything feel pointless. i really need to entertain more the thought of adjusting my motives lmao, apparently it's exactly like taylor put it: "hey, it's me, i'm the problem. it's me". i'm the one who robs myself of joy. joy of doing things just for the sake of enjoyment, just because i can, just because i want to. even if i sucked at everything forever and nothing ever turned out the way i'd want to, i'd like to be able to throw myself into things i find intriguing.

i took a looong ass nap and now i probably won't sleep again until tomorrow evening. but that's okay. this week went by really fast somehow, much like the whole month actually. i decided i won't go to the bday party in the middle of nowhere tomorrow, i just can't deal with everything it would take to go. i'd need to make mylsef look like a person, find someone to take care of w perhaps, take a bus to my parents, drive from there. be socially active for the night and either stay over or drive back. i'm pretty much out of money and on monday i'd need to be back here anyway, so. i'll just hang out with j & n tomorrow - and go see n & m's new apartment! how exciting. it's so near too, though i still might ask n to pick me up on her way to fetch j from the train, because i'm lazy like that. and probably would never make it to theirs if it was completely up to me... my skin is killing me again. i have a lot of HS flares currently and they itch like a mf. i loathe all the body hair i haven't been able to get rid of and keep wondering if lazer would be of any help. not that i could ever afford that, so i guess it doesn't matter. a had tried calling me during my napping time - she had been re-traumatized at a church event. some mum had complained about the massive struggles in their family and those struggles turned out to be their teenage son possibly having sex with his gf. i'm glad it's been so long since i last set a foot in a church that things like these sound absurd to me. it's so sick and twisted for parents to be gatekeeping their kids' virginities and obsessing about their sex lives. apparently her daughter had also been present and she had ended her rant by thanking her for "living pure" and not adding into the problems caused by her brother, and uggggh. there's just so much to unpack i think it's better to throw the whole thing off a cliff and not even try. a had also found some fucking over priced and weird as hell puppet dolls from an online store. there was a HUGE satan, a virgin mary (in the description of that one it said "perhaps the person who the whole idea of feminism is based on?" and i almost screamed reading it. the entire 'church world' is completely cuckoo, i'll say that much. i'm hella glad i got out when i did.

i can't bring myself to re-read what i've written, so future me reading this - i'm so sorry. i could use a shower, and i really should find something to eat. i just don't have the energy for anything atm. i don't wanna leave the bed, i don't ever wanna leave my blanket behind. i'll just stay here forever listening to my teenage years' playlists and antti's podcasts. sounds like a plan. as does finishing this entry here lol