Evolving marriage
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2022-12-16 12:35:26 (UTC)

Good Day

Dear Diary,
Good morning! Up just after 5am. This is my ideal time to wake up. I did go to bed later then I planned, probably around 11:30. Its been cold at night! Getting in the bed I just shiver hitting the sheets, and I just rant and rave to hubby begging for me to be able to touch his skin so that I can "Suck the heat out of him" ha, I want to absorb what heat he has into me. We snuggled up and it just took a few minutes for it to be warm. ANd I passed out pretty quickly. There is still quite a bit of snow on the ground and its not going anywhere with the day time temps not going over the upper 30s. So its COLD. If your in the shade or the sun goes down. BRRRRR

We have been really good eating at home since the layoff, but now that hes starting the new job. We have dinner outing plans. So we went to Mexican food last night, the place here closes for a month in winter, so had to go one last night. It was full of locals, everyone loves that family that runs the place and just hearing everyone coming in and chit chatting with the staff. We were going to take hubbys car when we left but I said "Damn its cold, want to take the toyota!?" We had it blocked in by his car, and half the driveway is still icy and snowy back aways, but it has seat warmers, and well we wanted to enjoy them! I imagined how cold we would be getting back in after dinner. So he backed his car out and I pulled out and he hopped in. I had tacos, he had a burrito. And we had Fried Ice Cream, mmmmm!

He said how nice it was and hit the spot. I then drove around, it was dark and I knew of one house that does a big christmas light display, so we drove around a little, city hall also does a big light display.

Got back home and realized I forgot my gloves! At the mexican place, and in a panic had to go back (They were my Moms, I got them for her when I lived in Az, they are hand made and really cute and one of the things she loved and then I kept after she died) so luckily they were just laying on the floor under the table, were probably on my lap and fell off when I stood up.

I got in my warm jammies, made some tea, grabbed a GHiradelli Dark Chocolate peppermint square (big bag Costco!) and headed upstairs. Sat in my space Ive been working on at my desk then moved to the corner chair Ive set up. Ordered a second charger so I dont have to haul it up and downstairs all the time.

I was going through a photo album of old Church Youth group pictures, from the late 80s. Winter Retreat camps to the mountains in California and the snow. I had a crush on Tommy from church, the cute boy, lettermans jacket, charasmatic who went to the christian school there. I just attended the youth group but I was in Catholic school (not catholic either, just my Dad wanted me out of public school) I met my ex at 16 and he was 18, so he was there on the second yr Winter retreat pics. But was just talking about all those old days, I really enjoyed that time in my life, up until my ex. I had someone ask me "If you could pick any age and have the knowledge you know now, what would that be?" I said "Age 20, thats the yr I married my ex because our pastor threatened us to or get out of the church since we were having premarital sex. But I truly wonder, if HE had not threatened that, would I have married him at that age? I know I wasnt wanting to get married, something in me said No prior to that, but I stayed with him, but I had broken up before. So I wonder if I had more time if I would have realized he wasnt worth marrying? And I would have broken up, dating others, got to see what other guys were like, for good or bad? So yes thats the age I would pic, if I knew what I knew now, Id have broken up with him! But as we say, life experiences make us who we are.

I was going through my old diary online, one of them, and it started in 2001 and was reading entries, the starting ones, describing the pain I was feeling in my separation and letting him go. Yes he was bad for me and it was dysfunctional. But at the time I thought it was Love and it was all I knew, I had been married, my first serious boyfriend and my first sexual partner and I had 2 children with him. (he was trying so hard to get me pregnant with #3 at the end I think to trap me) But interesting to read the pain and emotional entries I wrote trying to let go of that relationship.

So today I need to do last minute holiday cards, I went to the thrift shop yesterday to make a donation, went in and everything was half off, clothing $1 each, so found 2 shirts and a pack of christmas cards! Score! All for under $5.

So need to do those today and get them in the mail. We are going to the holiday market tomm in town and Ill buy baked goods for neighbor gifts. If I can find anything easy to ship. Ill send that to my siblings. Ill be in my hometown the first wk of Jan and be able to see my oldest son then. I often just give him cash. Or a few times took him to get new tires, something he needed, or we did a big Costco grocery haul another time for him. I had a friend online coach me with some things to talk to my oldest about, some questions to ask, some hard convos to have over the past things that happened. Why my son closed off big time after I moved to Az. So I said I think hes old enough now to have that convo, so hoping to do that and see where that goes. Hes 27 now.

And I need to text my middle sis and see if they are going to meet in a restaurant for dinner for the holiday this yr, and if so see if I can pull it off in Ca. Otherwise let her know Ill be out up the coast all of Jan.

Other then that, back to working on my upstairs office. Got a second desk area set up yesterday. Thats about as far as I got. Oh and took items downstairs to donate that I dropped off. Ill be in the bigger city this wk and will buy another electric water kettle, like the Costco one, we use it every day, I should buy a couple actually! We always had 2 and I had one at my beach studio also, but it finally died and now we use that one. But I want one for upstairs, but I should get one for the vacation rental also.

So yeah, thats the plan for today, things feel better after the talk with husband and the makeup sex, but I hope thats not just a temp pacifier. He said hes doing to work on his office this wknd and redo and clean his entire space before the new job starts. We had a nice time out to dinner.

Well thats it, 6am now! Oh and yesterday am I got in my workout at home! I had missed out earlier part of the wk as I was busy all 3 mornings so far. So got back in the swing. Need to do that again, stay on track.

Oh and husband asked what was I most looking forward to at the Beach house? I said "My daily walks on the boardwalk and the shore" GOd I love that, It makes me so happy, alive, love breathing the air, love the view, love the cold, love being bundled up and then getting hot midway thru and taking off the layers, love taking my shoes off and going down on the sand, getting grounded and walking barefoot part of the way back and going back up the stairs to the boardwalk and the rest of my walk. Husband said he missed the Fog rolling in. He grew up by the beach and said how he always loved that. Oh thats cool too! The house we rent is multi level with 2 decks, up in the mountains, so your up in these tall pine trees and can see the large vultures flying that high and then the fog just floats past, and you can sit on the couch and just watch it.

So yeah, in about 2 wks we will be there!