Life of secrets
2022-12-15 08:48:54 (UTC)


I’ve definitely come down with the lurgy. It’s mostly just a cough and perhaps a head cold, at this point. Nothing too awful but enough for me to feel unwell.

So I found something to be more obsessed over than having a baby but I don’t know if this is a good thing. Why can’t I just live in not knowing things? It’s like my brain just can’t sit still. I don’t know if this is a thing, like ADHD? Or if I’m just really obsessive over things and I’ve become obsessed over wanting to know what’s going to happen. Perhaps it’s a control thing - maybe I’m so fed up and bored of my life, that I want to know that something good is coming up. So I can look forward to it.

I’m referring to going to psychics and using my pendulum. Someone told me I could use a pendulum and ever since, I’ll sit there for ages swinging this thing asking the same questions. However, I do feel it calms my mind for a bit. Gives me something to focus on and stops the mess that’s generally happening up there.

None of this is ok. I listened in to my church session last night and it was about, without going too much into it, doing things wrong and doing what god asks of us. I’m basically sinning and I’m not doing anything about it. Therefore, I am bad now.. and I can’t do what they expect me to do, to put things right. It feels like ive gone too far and I literally have no one to talk to about this. Because if I speak to anyone within the religion, they will “tell” on me and then I’ll be in trouble. I can’t get into trouble because of the relationship I’m in and my life and who I am, is unknown by him.

It’s all just a bit shit.