Well I slept upstairs alone last night for the first time. I couldnt get back in bed after what was said. I took a bath, cried in the tub, got myself together, went upstairs, was up till about 11pm and passed out. Woke up around 6:30am and was online, just after 7am the door open and my husband came up the stairs. Oh forgot to say, I sent him a message middle of the night about the toy fixation, and how hurt I was by what he said.
He came up the stairs and came to the side of the bed, told me he was very sorry for what he said to me and that it was hurtful. He got in the bed next to me and held me, and then he resumed that convo with the conflict and once again it started! Ugh, He said I basically told him hes an ahole and he doesnt care about anything???? I never used any of those words or implications. He didnt even let me finish a sentence last night and then he told me to go ahead this am. I got partway thru my sentence and once again he started? Interrupted, told me what Im saying, what i mean, etc, and its false? Does anyone else deal with this??? Its so confusing! Why? WHy wont he let me talk and why does he filter what IM going to say this way? Its not even what Im saying yet he wont even let me speak to begin with??? So I said "What is this? Why do you do this? I DONT FEEL HEARD, Why cant you just listen? " he sat there with a long pause. TOld me he wanted to hear what I had to say. I said "Ive tried 3 times now and youve told me this same thing, and when I start you do it AGAIN. At this point I dont even want to try. He finally said he knows Im doing a lot of work on myself and that Im so far ahead of him and that he thinks I want him to listen to something and have this ah ha moment and transformation overnite to where I am??? I said "NO? It took me a long time to get here, I understand that, also I seek out help, I have friends, I learn, I read, Ive had counseling. " He has nothing, just him in his own space, thinking into the void of his own brain, no friends, family, best friend, mentors, counselor to talk to, how will he learn to do things different?
I said "You can even say "That doesnt work for me what you are doing, but Id love to hear what it means for you?" and just be kind and caring. Also his body goes tense, his voice gets heated, he sounds angry/frustrated discussing practically anything? Its very difficult for me, things that could be casual convo are not. He said to give him time, he will do the writing exercise and he ordered this guys books, one on men and depression and the other one coinciding with the video I sent (Which he said yesterday he didnt really get anything out of it) Which made my heart sink, NOthing? Sigh..
Anyways, we were on better terms in the end, he just held me in bed under the covers, it was in the teens outside, and we held one another. And I could feel it in me. Im a big make up reconnect sex person. Im one of those after a fight Im turned on. So I was getting a little fidgety and he had his hand over my breasts over my tank top. I just wanted him to touch me so bad, too him a few minutes, he had kissed my shoulder and I pulled my hair up on the back of my neck and pointed to where I wanted him to kiss me (Hes not a neck and chest make out kisser so I dont get that action really) so I was encouraging it and showing him where. Then he touched my nipple and I couldnt hold back the moan. I mean seriously I was practically orgasming from the touch on my nipples this am. He would touch, pinch, roll it in his fingers, drive me crazy, pause, get my breathing back to normal and then do it again, over and over. I was grinding my body against him as he did this. Finally I rolled over on my back to be by him facing me on his side and we made out heavily, tongue, sucking it, just hungry kissing. He was still playing with my nipples then over my sweat pants, he reached around and spanked my ass twice and that got me even more wound up. Put his hand between my legs, and my this point I just helped to slide my pants off, and he rubbed the lips of my pussy, I was wet, he commented and rubbed it around then went for my clit while sucking on my nipple, and WOW, I went crazy and that continued for quite awhile and I orgasmed twice from him doing that. I just finally said "I want you in me" and he slid his pants off and I got on top of him. Rode him while he played with my nipples over his face, sucking and with his fingers, I got really slow, feeling him in me super slow, felt so good, feeling every movement and he was asking me if I loved his hard cock inside me, so we had some fun dirty talk and kept going. I ended up working to a really powerful orgasm, I was so loud and I bit his shoulder, Ive never done that before, I did it twice. He commented on how good that was. I was still on him but breathing heavy calming down, and sat up, continue to ride him, and he tapped he was going to cum, I pulled out, grabbed his nipples, and watched him cum as I sat back.... WHew it was all so hot and heavy, so much tension being released. And reconnecting. I cleaned him with a towel, and laid beside him, on his chest, and rubbed his chest, neck, muscles, up the side of his head, closed my eyes, back down his stomach, to his thighs, over his balls and back over his cock which still had a little wetness on it. And We ended up falling asleep like this for over an hour till I woke us.
Said I was going to get up and shower, and he followed me down. I showered, made lunch, put on my makeup, got laundry started, went outside to take out some trash. I worked on a bunch of appts and bills, online stuff today that needed to get handled. So feels good to get a lot of that done. Have a day out of town next wk with 2 appts. Its going to be a Me day, Husband starts his new job next week also next wk and so Ill be out while he gets used to working again and he gets a little stressed. I made a body work/massage/sauna appt with my gal and hair appt in Ca for our trip to the ocean next month. I still see all the people Ive seen since I lived out there. Got some medical stuff done, some bills paid, set up an online acct for one in the midwest and auto pay.
Was online with the contractor yesterday and then on video, the demo is almost done of the kitchen bath, down to the ground, its all gone. SOme other work needs to be done, center floor joist was cracked, so much rinky dink stuff done (this is from the 1920s this addition) so some footings missing, not enough support, one beam holding up that whole section of the house, and the cross beams, not enough, for the roof, etc. So all that is getting fixed, electrician and plumber will be coming soon to take a look also as Im redoing all that while we are at it. So was nice to see the progress. He did a really good and clean job
And Im handling all this on my own, next is the design to start working on, going to reconfigure now, make the bathroom larger ( I want a walk in shower and separate tub) So we may abandon the old mud room porch and absorb that into the bath and kitchen. That would give me more room for that and a pantry.
I do all this stuff myself, My husband just listens to me and says sounds great! but really this is all me. Ive learned so much last few yrs, Bought property twice cash, no realtors, bought a tiny house and designed the scaled, got it delivered and an rv hookup for the old homestead. Had gmas old home torn down, tree work done, Im out there hiring and overseeing and laying out what I want done. All on my own. Its exciting and very motivating to do. ANd it helps any fears to be pushed away each thing you do and what you learn, your less afraid of such things and you learn how it works.
We are eating out for Christmas at our fave restaurant have reservations made. We leave New Yrs wknd for the Ocean for a month.
GOod bye to winter for January, We had snow two days in a row, its melting now, but was very pretty but was 12 degrees overnight.
Im working on the upstairs, my own office space still, and decluttering, making a donate pile, its hard for me to give up things but Im doing it, baby steps, but Im doing it. ANd still figuring out what else I want in my work space. Husband will bring my printer and scale up here, Those were mine for online sales back yrs ago. I havent done any since we moved. I need my space and station back in place so I can get going again on off times. I worked doing eBay sales for a good long while, on my own and for a company, then veered off into antique sales and having a booth, online local sales (craigslist, facebook, nextdoor)
So Ive always hustled to some degree, but its all so dead where we live now, so its not lucrative, Im taking a few boxes to the coast with me to sell while Im there on facebook(I did this when I was there and had my studio, and that worked well)
Im doing a lot of self work, writing, have good friends to talk to and work thru past trauma stuff together and making changes.
So yeah, will be working in here all eve on my space until Im too tired.