Diary of me
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2022-12-11 08:05:18 (UTC)

Lust again.

Today I'm not drunk but excited. Satan bless you and give you demonic powers if you stumble upon this fucked up diary.
OK. Briefly speaking. He wrote to me that he is a virgin and straight in real life. Hmmmmmm. What?
No I don't have anything against those two things but how can you be bisexual and let's be honest a little trans on the internet and not be so in real life? I mean you can but this. Okay, I think he will reveal himself later, someone will liberate him.
I like to flirt with him sometimes, no, not to pester, but to put pressure on his weak points about the knowledge of which, as he thought, I don’t know. I think he even blushed from what I recently sent him. He is cute.
I feel like I'm fighting for it. But do I win? I mean maybe he decided to sit on two chairs at once for as long as he can? I don't pressure him, I don't want to, although I could. What about that asshole? Is he, with the fact that his spy, adores his target? And if he hates me, how much longer can he stand it?
Either he is the most patient person on earth, or he really likes me.
In any case, spy me is as useless and boring as you can possibly imagine. You have to be either very dumb or... I don't even know, crazy.
Why? Damn, this is what pisses me off the most. Just why? I can literally tell everything directly, but the bottom line is that it will be incomprehensible. Until you yourself go through these millstones, until you yourself feel everything, you will not understand this. It doesn't depend on the person, it's like a physical law, you can't skip some parts of the journey, no fast travel dude, put up with it, accept it. The next steps will be even harder.
In the end, you will understand all this, and you will become the same as me. You chose this path yourself, it's irreversible. You're even luckier than me, I didn't have a choice. Either I lose my humanity completely or I connect with it. And you are a stupid cretin, you are a fucking Obelix who fell into a vat of potion, while you climbed into the same vat yourself. You will begin the stage of hatred, anger, and you will see through everything, everything that you so carefully collected and built, because this curse and gift will change you as an entity, turn you inside out. You know this feeling, it’s like alcohol poisoning, on the verge of calling an ambulance, when you get cramps, you lie on the floor arching your back, shaking your head and moaning, straining all the muscles of your body, thousands of needles pierce you and your head boils and it gets dark in your eyes , a ringing is heard in the ushal as if something exploded nearby. And then you fall into the abyss freely falling, you don’t remember what will happen next, but you always know for sure that when you wake up you will already be different and you will know exactly what you need to do.
Only feelings. This is not caught by the eyes, ears, nose or mouth. Only your feeling, like an animal.
Then, after a while, these random flashes come, like a picture of the future, and then it will seem to you deja vu. But deja vu doesn't happen before the event, you know?
You wanted it. We'll talk, you yourself want it after all. It will come to you. But believe me, these will not be questions, these will only be discussions of impressions and advice.
I can see that you are scared. Do not be afraid, at least you will have many chances. Even if you want to quit all that fetid cesspool that you yourself created and firmly sat on the dicks of big uncles, you will be lucky. It will be the most stupid, unexpected way. And their memory will dissolve until you yourself want to remind yourself. You really will like it, it's like transferring from a bicycle to an invisible jet fighter with the most modern surveillance systems, at first it's scary, but then you get used to it and you can't quit.