Lost for words at times
It's been a tough year... goodbye for now
11 days until christmas and l have already put into place my plan of what i'm going to be doing. I have told everyone a lie. I've told them that i'm covering a shift at work christmas eve, so thats means l will be sleeping christmas day! I really don't want to be around anyone.
I used to love christmas, the last two was absofuckinglutely ruined by manchild. I know covid didn't help matter's. Manchild was in my 'bubble' as l lived by myself, so he was the only one that l was able to see. I bore the brunt of his excessive alcohol consumption at the time, because of the passing of his late wife. I think my youngest son and his partner are going to be having a tough enough time dealing with what they're going through and l won't put myself upon them.
Every year at christmas time, l normally buy my grandchildren personalised christmas baubles for the first few years of there little live's as keepsake gift's.
Last year, l brought Kylo his first bauble celebrating his first ever christmas. This year, l brought a 'first christmas in heavan' tree decoration, which was Peter Rabbit themed.
It broke my heart finding such a thing. Let alone having to fill out the information needed for it to be made.
I wanted to give this decoration to my son and his partner. But how do l give such a thing, without it causing anymore unnecessary distress than what their already going through. Especially at this time of year without their beautiful son.
I found a beautiful poem online by John Peter Reed and l saw fit to use it for the card. It broke my heart rewritting this poem out. Kylo, should be here with us.
Santa – Do you know where Heaven is? Do your Reindeer’s know the way, for I have a Special Gift, I need delivered Christmas Day. For Christmas is a time for sharing, with those we hold so dear, so take this Gift, with all my Love, for My Angel no longer here. It’s wrapped with all our memories from the past, that were so sweet, the bows and ribbons are all the dreams, we had no time to complete. It’s such a very special gift, please Santa, don’t delay, I would like it to be in Heaven, in time for Christmas day.
I have decided that this is going to be my final entry for my diary. I'm not sure if it will be permanent. But for now, i'm doing what is best for me. I have far too many bad memories here. Some.. that l still have difficulty in facing. I don't know what the next few day's and week's have in store for me. If i'm honest with myself l knowingly know i'm going to be upset and lonely at a time when other people will be with their friend's and family. I don't feel asthough l have anything to be celebrating as l lost so much this year.
This year l learn't alot about myself. I'm still on that road of self discovery.
I learn't what is was like to have a soulmate connection with someone. It was scary to have our hearts so completely on the same page. I miss him, he understood me. And what did l do.. run away from him because l was affraid of getting hurt. This year l suffered two great tragedies the loss of my grandson and this man who l loved more than word's could ever explain.
I wish you happy holiday's with your families, friend's and loved one's.
Goodbye for now! l guess.
Until next time, take care of you x