2022-12-13 20:11:04 (UTC)


"how are you feeling today?"
it is a question i ask a dozen different ways, multiple times a day, already preparing for the possible responses in my head.
but when i get the question, my mind goes blank. absolute zero. like it doesn't want to recall the amount of stress hormones
it was releasing into my body. at least that's the theory. but therapist says it's harmful language to myself. i should reframe these thoughts.
and write them down. but it sounds so cheesy and ridiculous.

my brain was releasing happy fluffy marshmallows into my thoughts and feelings.

yeah, i'm never doing that again. i'm not sure if it was supposed to work, but the corner of my lip thought it did.
my hubby is all riled up again. he wants to go out and get laid all because my roommate comes over,
and he's straight and has a nice body, and apparently they stood up until 2am to talk about... bdsm?
most people would probably lose their shit at this point. all my female friends can't imagine the idea of their partner having multiple sexual partners.
funny how it's the opposite in the gay community. kinda sad that we enforce it tho.
but i am still not fully convinced that sex could be just a physical thing.
for people like me, it always lurks. it comes back to creep and haunt you on the days you least expect.
it feels like my hookups do mock me, or make me feel shame at the most random times.
perhaps that needs some reframing too.

my hookups were totally great memories. in the moment.

yeah, i guess that still doesn't work for me. i have to integrate positive views about myself and not make myself feel like i'm lying or being facetious about it. it's extremely difficult, considering i often have a realistic view on things. i guess that's the flaw i have to fix? i tend to over-rationalize. it's what pissed muki off so bad the other day. when that happens, i'm considered selfish and cold. but i have finally begun to understand what makes him tick. what makes him truly happy. and it about took me a couple years, to this day he still doesn't make it easy. love him tho.

i guess i don't have to throw away all of my compassion in nursing. or throw away the experience.
perhaps i've been trying to distance myself from it because my experience has been quite lackluster.
i also don't bode well with interacting with multiple sick people. it feels like physically and emotionally
taking on their load. but "that is the art and science of nursing," as many of the old heads would hiss and agree.
the same nurses who think it's good to "eat their young."

learn by trauma, or learn by patience. either way, i'll learn.