rotten

first week of december

i made bad food today. like actually really bad, disgusting mush. i can't remember the last time that happened and i'm weirdly bummed out about it - i mean the affect it's having on me is surprisingly big. i guess no one likes failing, loosing money etc., but this is somehow more. it's probably just that i've been kinda sensitive lately, and especially today. i didn't take my meds in the morning - i wasn't even awake 'in the morning' - and i didn't make it to the paja today, not at nine for the breakfast thing i was asked to do, not at eleven for the bujo group, not even at two for just a cup of coffee. i haven't gotten anything else done today either, except for that digusting excuse of a pasta dish. i had it once but i think i'll throw the rest of it away, though it pains me to think about the money lost as currently i really have ... none, tbh. i don't know how i'll make it to another week, which it takes to be able to apply for past month's unemployment benefit. and there's another car bill to pay, and ughhh. c h r i s t m a s. i won't be bying any gifts this year either, that's for sure. ok i can't think about money (or christmas) anymore or i'll take a leap; from my french balcony.

i'm watching shitty christmas movies again, just to have something on in the background. something that doesn't make me think too much, something that doesn't provoke anxiety (except maybe because of how bad it is) and for those purposes, titles like 'holiday harmony' are simply perfect. anything with real substance would be too much. i don't feel like using my brain or being connected to my emotions - which, i do realize, may not be exactly healthy. but currently i'm choosing to just.. cope. no matter what that looks like. i should clean my place before friday - f is visiting me for the weekend and n's baby shower on saturday. or she's supposed to, at least, you never know with her. i feel kinda mean saying that but in my own defence it's true, i think i'll be more surprised if she won't cancel and actually appears... most people from the whatsapp group pitched in for her train tickets too, ones she supposedly purchased - ok this is an even worse thing to say but i mean she has been struggling with money and i wouldn't put some funny business past her. i still wish she comes though, i haven't seen her in a year and that shit's weird. after all she used to be the one friend i saw most often, and that went on for quite a long time. it wasn't always easy nor simple though, not even then. we still have the frigging baby alias to do toooo idk if it falls on me alone i'll just google the most disturbing words related to pregnancy and babies, and that'll have to do, lols.

ok so, it's been a week since the last entry - again. a lot has happened, kind of? thursday was a good day at the paja, a lot of nice people to hang out with, some good, deep conversations, mostly with i. she's only there for another week or so, and that kinda sucks. i've gotten used to her and i really like hanging out with her. i made an idiot out of myself with s a few times, that was fun... in the evening we had our own little christmas with m and n - rice porridge & other christmas treats, just hanging out. i ofcourse felt like i talked too much again but everything was probably just fine. friday was a good paja day too, i hung out at the art exhibition planning group and the last "group" a k a the weekend blast was fun, j had come up with a theme and we listened to a bunch of ridiculous songs. in the evening i drove to a & j's for the weekend, their new baby got her name on sunday. the pastor meant to talk about the fragility - 'hauraus' - of the baby, but he accidentally said 'haureus', as in... fornication. it took everything i had in me to not laugh out loud. v & j came to a &j's to hang out afterwards and dang, i had missed them and just all of us hanging out together. on monday at the training thing i had my directing demo thing, we played 'i'm a tree' for a while and that was it. in the evening i went to L's to spend time with her and her youngest. we watched 'enchanted' and me & w stayed the night. tuesday was our independence day, heja finland etc. in the morning we had some coffee and around 1pm i went to lunch with m - we chose frnds&brgrs, and the blue cheese burger they had as the burger of the month was amazing. afterwards we walked to the city cathedral for a concert of the 'conscript band of the finnish defence forces'. it was cool as fudge, even though we were like half an hour late. i knew the tuba soloist, sort of. she was in my group at one of the camps where i was a group leader, like, idk, ten-ish years ago? also the guy behind the soundboard used to be my fave theater club kid at most of the camps i ever lead, and that made it all a bit more interesting. the last number was a mash up of multiple songs that had a bit of 'finlandia' mixed in, and i ofcourse cried. like i always do. after the concert we visited 'tallipiha', 'stable yards', a cute small location in tampere with tiny shops and stalls, an old cafe and ! A DONKEY. for the holiday season they have a donkey and a tiiiny tiny pony in a corral, and that's my favorite thing in the universe. or the donkey is. the pony is flipping cute too, but the donkey ... he's just so precious. let me tell you - if i could, i would keep one as a pet... anyway. we had some cinnamon coffee and pear & caramel cheese cake at the cafe, and spent way too much money on postcards. w had stayed with L and the girls so when me and m were done with everything and tired as hell, we picked her up and drove home. i didn't sleep the following night, just a few hours in the morning, and well. here we are, as that was last night.
now that we're all up to date, i guess it's time for me to log off. bye!