Love, life and loss
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2022-12-11 20:44:42 (UTC)

Week at work, 2 nights out, grave

First week at work done
First first 4 days were hell
Friday I thought things were picking up and it was the first day where I didn't cry every half an hour or hour
It was the first day where ive got upset but not uncontrollably sobbing
Went out with worm friday night
Managed ok for the meal but being out after that was too much so got home just after 10. Wouldnt have stayed so long if hadnt had some supporting me
Went out last night with my oldest friends to bistro live
Had a few drinks very quickly and it all got too much
Trying to have fun then remembered my baby girl isnt having fun
Shes laying in a cold box underground
Hit me hard
So I left and went for a walk
Needed to feel the freezing cold
Stayed out for half an hour or more and stupidly text some friends messages that reading back today barely make sense but a couple of amazing people replied
I got fetched back by amy who said I wasnt safe to be out on my own any longer
Amy recently lost her mum so we had a big cuddle and a cry and she encouraged me back in
I couldnt do it
Shouldnt have had anything to drink
So I got a taxi back to the hotel at 11ish and told them all I was ok to not ruin their night
I just cried on and off
No reason
Ryan got back at half 2 and was in a good mood all happy and drunk and wanted sex. Told him to fuck off but he ended up getting his own way just to shut him up
Like hes totally forgotten we just lost our baby and hes just enjoying life

Today I've been really sad all day
Upset on and off, tearful most of the time. Missing what could have been
Did a video call with my niece and nephew which really upset me and him but he told me all stuff hes been doing which made me smile

Told him I'll be home next week when hes finished school so now I've promised I have to do it
I will not let him down

After feeling better on Friday it's hard to feel crappy and low again today

Worried about the week ahead and having to face families and their questions with no baby bump

Everytime I think about work I get upset
Everytime I think about christmas, the future, I get upset

And now im going to go to the cemetery and spend some time with my baby girls
No coat, no hat, no scarf, no gloves

I dont care that it's dark, i dont care that it's cold, I dont care that I'm going alone, I just want to be near them
Experience the cold like they are

Tears are flowing down my face but I need to go and do this

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