2022-12-10 11:07:46 (UTC)

Something Wicked This Way Comes

i was told "i wish you had more emotional intelligence" sometimes.
i'm not sure why it got to me the way it did. for one, i think the concept of emotional intelligence is absolute bullshit.

i think we have done a good job of identifying common emotions, but no two people experience the same emotion in the same way.
it would be impossible to tell what degree or what intensity of the emotion they're feeling, for so many reasons.
we can only observe with our five senses what somebody is telling us, verbally and non-verbally.
the thousand thoughts that go on in anyone's head is unmapped territory. not to mention what our neurochemicals are composed of
and how our brain is built, the way we associate memories to feelings to thoughts to behaviors.

muki made me read a depressing medical report on his mom. the overall impression is that her cancer is progressing.
even after getting most of her stomach, spleen, and pancreas removed. so of course,
when he asked me to watch "the nanny" at 11pm after being on my feet most of the day,
he stormed out and remarked,
'i wish you were more emotionally intelligent sometimes.'
i know i should've stayed with him, or chased after him,
but something also tells me he needs the space. perhaps it could just be my fear of having to deal with his anger head on,
but when he gets angry, he gets nasty. furious and cruel, and often times capricious.
i cannot keep up. my neurodivergence cannot physically handle it.

i am having a lot of natural doubts. but i'm supposed to keep going.
on my off days, i have to call families to get in overtime hours. i thought maybe i'd get to enjoy my break.
i feel like i somehow began burning the candle at both ends, once again.
constantly organizing my day. constantly making decisions, getting decision fatigue.
i guess i understand why he gets so frustrated with me. but life is not perfect, and neither are we.

if i'm not working, i'm studying. if i'm not studying, i'm cooking, or cleaning, or decorating, or visiting family.
i'm not sure sometimes where all the responsibility came from. but it was insisted on in order to "become an adult."
i do miss playing overwatch through the night sometimes. but i know it's no longer feasible.
it's hard to make decisions sometimes.
it feels that my environment is constantly forcing me to adapt,
where we all should be thriving, and i'm stuck 3 steps behind.
it feels like all this change is going to change me. maybe that's my real fear.
if it does, my true fear is that it won't be a positive change.
i grow and age. my bones begin to creak. my neck and back feel sore more often.
i wonder how many other people were taught to equate productivity to happiness.
because for me, i don't feel too happy.