Life of secrets
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2022-12-09 13:57:17 (UTC)


An old work colleague posted his new born baby in the group chat today. I feel a bit numb to it all. One part of me wants to tell everyone to fuck off and the other part of me thinks its nice news because he’s a nice guy and deserves it. A big part of me is too tired to feel anything right now.

Tired in both the emotional / mental and physical aspects. I couldn’t sleep last night. Too much bubble tea, I think.

I didn’t feel like writing in here today but after my last therapy session this morning, I thought I would download a self-love book and I read that regular journaling strengthens the immune system, boosts your mood improves working memory, enhances sense of well-being and reduces depression. And so here I am! After this, I expect to feel well and happy.

I am talking to my friend again, but its more like she’s talking to me. I think I tapped out of that friendship when she said what she said. Even though she said she didn’t mean it that way, I think its clear what she meant and I dont feel comfortable talking to her about any aspect of my life again.

It also gives me a sense of being me again and having to deal with my infertility myself. Is it even infertility? People say 2 years is normal to be trying. I dont think so…. The many looks on doctors faces when I tell them, dont say its normal either.

I was thinking about my resolutions for next year. I think this years resolutions were to go on holiday and get pregnant. I did do the holiday. I’ve started a list for next years. So far I have ‘to practice self love’. Apparently I need this in order to get pregnant.

They need to talk about this in schools. Like, how hard it actually is to get pregnant, sometimes. Not everyone has an easy ride. We are left to believe that sex leads to pregnancy and it just doesn’t - I AM LIVING PROOF. I wish I wasn’t.

I’ve been told I have to be positive. That being negative is stopping it from happening. I mean, at this point, how positive can I be? I can keep telling myself THIS IS THE MONTH, and then deal with the disappointment after but eventually I will become deflated and depressed and do you know why I know this? Because I’ve done this.

How long can you be disappointed over and over again but remain positive?

We are viewing two houses tomorrow and then I’m supposed to be visiting my family. My niece was recently hospitalised with chicken pox and I need to go and see her now that she’s better.

That’s all for now.