Gentleman ♀

I Am An Embarrassment To Myself And Everyone Who Associates With Me

Hey,

Honestly, this week has sucked. I hate how fucking mentally ill my parents and I are. The only one not constantly screaming at everyone is Hailey but even she's crabby 99% the time. The only reason it's not 100% is because she's too young to hear about what I've done to myself. I just feel so depressed all the time now. I don't sleep enough, I don't eat a lot, and I haven't showered in days. I smell like shit, I look like shit, and I feel like shit. It feels like everything I do is dumb and boring and everyone hates me. Like, today on the bus Riley, Jacey, and Kiarra were talking about their trip to PA to visit the twins' grandparents and I jokingly said that I wanted to go meet their grandparents. I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't Riley just going off about how embarrassing I am. Okay, she didn't outright say that but she still went on about how I'm too outgoing and how I dress weird and don't get the hint ever. I said that I could dress normally and do normal makeup and act boring but she just argued that I couldn't and that I'm just too weird or something. Idk... I know she wasn't trying to offend me but it still hurts to hear her call me too much and say that I don't get the hint. Whatever

Speaking of unexpected things though, last night happened... Sooooo it started while I was in the shower. I lit a candle (which I'm not allowed to do) with a lighter I stole from the laundry room. Once I got out the candle was all melty since, you know, it's a lit candle, and my dumb self decided to pour some of the wax on the counter then mess with it. After I did that I put my finger in it too soon and long story short, I burned my fingertips. It felt good though, so I did it again, and again, and again, and again. Eventually, my mom started pounding on the door for me to get out but I didn't. After she got sick of that though, she just unlocked the door on me with just a towel on and refused to let me out 'till we talked. We ended up yelling about how I'm failing classes and lighting candles and pouring it on the counter and it was a whole thing. And after that she told me that she knew I had a disassembled razor in my room (which means she was snooping around my room) and made me literally strip down bare ass naked so she could check me for cuts. She kept telling me "I know you're cutting" and "stop lying" but the jokes on her, I haven't cut in weeks. Long story short, she saw all except for my nipples and front ass crack for no reason.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, she ended this entire encounter by sitting her fat ass against the door so I couldn't get out and cry. She made me watch her fucking cry for like 10 minutes straight. And she meant it too. She said verbatim "You're going to stand there and see what you're doing to me." and then she sat there trapping me in the room for 10 minutes while I just stood there. I don't even feel bad anymore. She can go cry about it. Sob for all I care. I'm the one who's slicing open my skin and failing all my classes. Worry all you want, I'm not doing this to her. What, does she think me seeing her cry is going to magically fix my depression and ADHD, and lack of motivation? Or she threatened to take away my friend privileges, door privileges, snake-owning privileges, makeup privileges, nice clothing privileges and return all the gifts I bought for my friends. Like, why are you punishing them? What did they do?

New note: I'm feeling ridiculously more happy and just so much better so Imma end this here as to not remind myself why I was in a bad mood. Buh Bye!!!

~ Gentleman