2022-12-08 21:26:35 (UTC)

Dial Tone

perpetual anxiety and negative feelings. the more i try to analyze them, the more they overwhelm me.
like i'm slowly being put at an arms distance. i don't know if i'm imagining it. or if i'm just getting older.
but i guess i should be grateful.

i keep revising my lines over and over again,
frustrating myself to be honest with the only entity that has recorded my thoughts and feelings for 12 years.
it just feels different if you know people are reading. but i'm learning to not mind.
we're a bunch of fucked up humans, in our own unique and special way.
on my end, i can't keep seem to stop scrolling.
trying to pause the activity in my brain.
can't ever stop, can't ever slow it down.
a long, resounding dial tone.
that's probably why it feels like my brain is melting.
like jell-o that jiggles cuz of a tone.
except it's my brain and i have numerous micro concussions.

at least he still makes me smile. and i have friends who understand that
being an adult is hard and it truly, really sucks.
the christmas decorations are so nice. however,
it is a surgical procedure to turn them all on and off every day.
and he wanted us to decorate the whole inside and outside of the house
when we're not even gonna be in town christmas or new year's.
gone for 2 weeks. it's exciting.

i wanna watch the new episode of chainsaw man but muki is out wearing high heels and getting his coworkers drunk.
i do actually kinda envy his courage. he's not ashamed to hold my hand in public. i still tense up in fear around others.
he's also not embarrassed to say what's on his mind. it just all comes out and sometimes, he's got them fighting words.
i used to despise that, but maybe i conceptualized it like it being my polar opposite. i was always praised for being neutral and nice.
everyone has different facets. i wouldn't say faces. facets, like a diamond. you just can't see every single one at the same time.

maybe i am a little jealous. i would love to persuade my coworker to get drunk and make me wear their heels.
i would probably break them, but i have no shame in doing so.

therapist said i had to start changing my inner narrative. stop thinking that i'm lying to myself constantly.
not sure how i can even begin to work on that yet. when everything feels so monotonous. like i've wasted time
and i have bad habit of continuing to waste time. every waking moment it feels like i should be productive.
but i also have to unlearn perfectionism, and stop trying to people please all the time.
i have gotten in trouble for it on more than one occasion.
phew. the bad memories strike again.
writing helps. i can verbalize what i'm thinking and sort of untangle how i'm feeling,
but i should also let the therapist do their job.

i wish i knew everything there was to know in the world.
perhaps it would take away the wonder, but the world
would have so much more context for a old, lone soul
like me.