Notes from my Black
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The cold punch
Sit still, you need to eat.
I can do this… breathe.
Smack scratch thump thump thump -hitting his own head this time.
I don’t want to do this… but it’s my night. She didn’t sleep well the past 4. Time to step up right? I can muddle throttle zoom meeting… it’s not a hard one.
Smack, grab, squeeze and scratch…
Fuck this kids strong. Kiss him… stroke his hair.
Punch to the bicep.
Dam that stung. I’m outta bed now.
He yells loudly and I worry he woke her. I close the door all the way this time.
More hitting himself. And he thumps the wall.
I get his food pulled and go to his bedside and make him start eating. I’m sad he treats himself this way. I’m sad that I can’t get through to him.
She walks in. Crap. Woke her anyway.
She brings her pillow. Looks like I failed.
“I don’t want to leave him.”
- you need sleep.
“Probably won’t be able to”.
- when do you want up?
“I don’t want to leave. . it would be like me not doing my job. Going to the bathroom”
-I don’t want to discuss all the reason that is so flawed… you need sleep. What time should I wake you?
I grab my pillows and hug them as I walk out the door. “I dunno… I don’t care.. 7:30.
That’s only an hour.
I didn’t even get that right.
I climb into my cold bed. Alone in every way. Time to log another one.