Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-12-08 11:34:06 (UTC)

dad came home

Yesterday my dad was able to come home, he is weak but doing pretty good. They were so cute when they couldn't be together, so much love there. I have nothing really to say, my job is going amazing, my brain still remembered everything and now things are just coming back easier, my memory I mean, so yeah not doing norco is helping with my job. My social/friend circle is bigger than ever, so much support, well I have always had a lot of support around me, since caring for Chad and then the loss of Chad and then with Mike having MS, yeah I have never been without support, just never wanted it I guess you could say. I could handle everything on my own, yeah well look at how well I 'handled' it on my own. So yeah now I fully support 'support' if that makes sense.

Like when I announced on Facebook that I was a recovering addict, Mike felt it was too soon. I feel there is safety in numbers. I stayed away from people so I could hide my secret, now there is no secret for me to hide. I am free to go anywhere and just be myself, I don't have to put on a mask, I don't have to pretend everything is alright if it isn't. For the first time in my life I feel like I am free to be me, well not always, since the real me has a sailor type potty mouth, so I can't be that 'me' at work or church, so yeah, I'm not ever being fake, just respectful.

I have spent 55 years hiding the real me, pretending that I am this so called girl who has her shit together, when really underneath it all I was always this big fucking broken mess just trying to get through the day. I am a human being who fucks up on average 25 times a day. I am a woman who has been through a lot of shit in her life, but I survived every single storm that has come my way and I will continue to do that.

Now, the only issue in my life not perfect is my marriage, which is a huge issue. He is still here, but seriously he could come home today and tell me he found a place, so I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I get that he is hurt, I get that I did this to him, it kills me that he isn't letting me make it up to him. I hate this no knowing what the hell is going to happen. ugh I am so impatient. How long does a person usually need space/time for? I really don't want to do the holidays unsure and start the New Year off not knowing what the heck is going on. So, I am hoping for a Christmas miracle.

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