Life of secrets
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2022-12-07 19:34:03 (UTC)


I didn’t go into the office at all this week. So much for wanting to go in. Never mind. I suppose I could try again next week…

My “friend” tried to FaceTime me this morning and I was so surprised, I was sure it must have been an accident. Until she then messaged me to say she was just calling to say hi.
I was so angry, I was shaking. I told her that after putting down ground rules on what I can talk to her about and how often, did she really think she could then call me for a chat?

I personally think people are actually mad.

If I remain friends with her, I can never feel comfortable enough to open up to her. Serves me right for opening up to people in the first place. I will deal with my infertility on my own, thank you.

My biggest fear was being alone. Now its never having children.

I have been thinking a lot about my age today. 36. If I want to have a baby before I turn 37, I need to conceive by March. If I dont (and I’m not holding my breath), this means I could be having my first child at 38. When am I having a second? 40? 45? God forbid it takes this long for a second….

I’m due on and I can feel myself going crazy again. The psychics are saying April next year for conception and it makes me want to die. Why is it getting further and further away? I reach one prediction, and then I’m thrown another one. I’m stupid too, for always falling for it.

I want to try and concentrate on buying a house. Maybe that will happen. We are seeing one on Saturday and I actually quite like this one. It needs work done to it, but its a good size, the garden is huge, it has a garage for my hoarder husband and its not too far away. Plus its a good price. I have already decided I want it and we dont even have a mortgage agreement yet.

Church tonight and I’m at home. I have managed to avoid yet another thing in life….