Gentleman ♀

Going Crazy

Hello,

My brain's just been destroyed. I don't even know what to talk about first. There's just so much shit going through my mind, I can't even think straight. The name-calling, how much I hate math, the fact that there's no physical person I can talk to since my therapist cancels most weeks. I'M JUST DONE! Once again, kids were harassing me today, calling me a clown, pointing, and asking me embarrassing questions like what gender I am (since most people who look like me are some form of trans). Even my friends are telling me I look like a clown! I want to take it as a compliment, some of them say that they meant it in a good way and that is technically what I was going for but I just can't get the idea that they're bullying me out of my head. They say that to me and I'm seething. Ready to sock them in the face as soon as they open their mouths again.

You know, I don't even hate myself anymore, I just hate everyone around me. I swear to god, my mom thought she could get to me by turning the internet access on my Chromebook using GoGuardian but the joke's on her. My genius self managed to remember my old friend's Chromebook username and password so now I'm using her account which isn't blocked. Admittedly, I'm pretty sure this is at least something I can get multiple detentions for doing and at most illegal but it's not like I'm doing anything terrible on here, I'm just watching Youtube and signing into my diary to write in it yk? And my mom can't even see what I'm doing so that just makes it 10x better.

Actually, maybe I do hate myself. Do I hate myself??? I don't even know anymore. Sometimes I love myself, but other times I fantasize about holding a lighter to my skin and watching it melt off or just peeling it off entirely. Is that weird? I guess everyone gets intrusive thoughts, I just personally hate mine. Recently I've even felt oddly compelled to grab a razor and just dig into my skin while looking my mom in the eyes. It's not like I've never cut before, I've just never told anyone before they found out let alone done it in front of my mother.

I swear, I just want to do something that makes up for it. I've already cut my shoulders and hips and burned most of my fingertips (between touching hot wax and crocheting for hours on end) and yet I still don't feel like I've done enough. I almost want something to push me to the edge. I'm sick of being one comment away from holding a lighter to my leg or taking a knife to my face. I just want to do it! I want to fucking kill myself! But do it without actually dying... Like just disappear. I want to take all my antidepressants in one go, die in my sleep, or simply hold my breath while sitting on the edge of a balcony, just wait till I pass out and fall. I could never ever do it but these intrusive thoughts really get to me sometimes. I'm so lucky to have friends because if I didn't I might actually do it. I'd love to see all those assholes' faces (the kids who call me names and mess with me) if I'd died. Knowing it's their fault I'm dead. I know I sound like some angsty teen- because I am -but still.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING FUCKING CRAZY!!!... I should sleep... I'll write more tomorrow. Goodnight.

~ Gentleman