Life of secrets
I’m alone this evening.
Alone has taken on a whole new meaning for me this week. This year.
I thought I was alone when R left. Now I’ve successfully pushed everyone away, i literally only have family and some old work colleagues I still talk to. But strangely I am happier this way. Am I becoming a recluse ? I just don’t have the energy to be around people anymore. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe all the times I thought I was depressed, I wasn’t. And now this is real depression.
Does depression change ?
We saw another house this evening. This one was better than the last two, but still small. Bigger than the last two, but still small…. Imagine how small the last two were! I dont feel like its the right house and I need to look past the desperation of wanting to buy a property and actually think about what I’m about to do, for once.
I’ve been feeling tearful today. I know its my hormones which means its unlikely I’ve conceived this cycle and my period is on its way. Why can’t it NOT be on its way, for once? I even tried the whole “secret” thing today. You know - the secret - manifesting what you want. I sat on my bed having an imaginary conversation with (don’t laugh) my hair dresser, telling her that I’m finally pregnant. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried manifesting. Hasn’t worked in 2 years. And people tell me I’m being negative. Of course I am! When you’ve been fighting for something for so long and you’ve tried everything - even the most absurd things - and nothing has actually come of it, the positivity begins to dwindle and reality sets in. Reality is negative when its not what you wanted.
I’ve gone back to talking about trying to get pregnant again. This is what my friend who is no longer my friend, didn’t like. But this is my diary and I can write about what I want, I guess. I dont want to pretend here too.
I have been thinking a lot about my friend who isn’t my friend, today. I really hate that I let her back into my life. She came back, full force, wanting to talk every day EVERY MOMENT, literally. And then suddenly she stepped back. She did this years ago too. Before she cut me off and then blamed her husband for it. Why do people have to be so hot and cold? I was wondering today if she’s narcissistic, but maybe that’s a bit dramatic. I just hate when people give their all and want all of your attention, until it doesn’t suit them anymore. This is what she did. And then tried to blame it on just being busy, or having to spend time with her daughter. She was all of those things before - what changed?
And then they just drop you.
I actually never want to let anyone become close to me again. Maybe this was my lesson. I’ve always let anyone in. I never had a filter when it came to who I let into my life. My husband was shocked that I’d become friends with her again, after she cut me off for 10 years and I thought he was being unreasonable, but actually perhaps he has a point. I mean, its not really ended well has it.
I can’t tell him though. I learned a long time ago not to tell him a lot of things. Which is sad, because I can’t imagine having a relationship where you can just be yourself and say what you want. I may as well walk around with sticky tape over my mouth. Its the same thing.
Anyway. I’ve taken a sleeping pill and I hope to fall asleep soon and do this all again tomorrow.