Life of secrets
Didn’t go into the office in the end today. My husband (who doesn’t have a car of his own) told me he isn’t working today and it just made sense for me to be here so that we can go together to see the house. If he’d have gone to work, he could have driven there in his work vehicle. But anyway. Plans aborted due to him as always. Hah.
I actually can’t help but feel that not being able to be a mother (yet) is because I’m with him. I feel like if I was with someone else, it would have happened. My life has been nothing but difficult since meeting him. There’s life paths too, right ? Maybe his life path isn’t to have kids yet. I feel like my path to have kids started 10 years ago and now it’s become a maze, waiting for him to catch up.
But then again, there’s science. Spirituality and science don’t really come together. And I flit between the two
Science tells me that the ability to have a baby is there. I wish I knew what was happening in my body (or not happening) when I ovulate and his sperm is around. Like, why is it not happening? 2 years is a long time for nothing to happen right? Does my egg and his sperm just avoid each other ? Maybe a small high five or a wave and then on their merry way?
But there doesn’t seem to be any evidence so far that there’s anything actually wrong.
And then I look at the spiritual side of things. It’s not my time? I need to be in a better place in life, a better mental place? Physically aligned too? I keep hearing this from people but then I think, you’re telling me that every woman on this planet that has fallen pregnant has been completely aligned mentally and physically and spiritually? I’m not so sure about that….
And then I’m told that my spirit baby is there but not ready to come yet.
My brain is so overwhelmed by so much information and so many scenarios that I feel myself shutting down. I don’t give up easy but oh boy this has been something else.
I don’t want to be a really old mum but that is likely to happen now. At least I don’t look my age?
It’s 8am and all I’ve journaled is my thoughts on fertility again. It really is all I think about, from the moment I wake up. There’s nothing out there to tell us about how consuming this is, if you’re unable to have a child. Nothing at all, unless it happens to you and you then begin searching for answers and support.
Im hoping that buying a house will give me something else to focus on. As long as it happens this time.