Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-12-06 00:55:01 (UTC)

I just can't win

Today let me tell you I had a fantastic day. 90 days. My brain feels clean, not sure if it will ever be really clean, I'm a dirty minded girl ;) but norco clean

I just woke up happy and it was a good day. Work was so nice everyone was hugging me and telling how proud they were of me. One lady gave me $20 and told me to buy myself lunch that was so sweet. I am so socially awkward though I asked her "do I give you the change because I didn't eat 20 dollars worth?" She was like no I gave you the 20 because I'm proud of you, I want you to keep shining your light and you honestly have no idea who you helped today. I gave her a hug and told her thanks then when and got a good ass lunch.

Then after work I visited my dad with my daughter and everyone else was there, which makes him feel like we all think he is dying since we're all there. He is just getting depressed. He isn't healing as fast as he thinks he should be, he is a go getter. We went through this when Mike was diagnosed with MS there is a period of depression. Thankfully Mike beat that and hopefully my dad will too. He will be alright he is just a little weak and gets winded easier. It's only been 5 days since a double bypass dude you are 80 it's gonna take some time. He looks better every day

Then I came home and Mike asked why did I decide to make that post today? Umm it's my 90 day sobriety birthday this is huge it should be celebrated do you know how many people don't make it 90 days? Yeah this is huge and I am so proud. I asked him if he was embarrassed he said no not really he would have just liked a heads up. In fairness I did ask him awhile back if I was to talk about this in public (what's more public than Facebook?) Would he be okay with it and he said yes if my story could help 1 person then it would be worth it.

It took me a lot to post that. I did my morning meditation, morning prayer and felt that it was the right time to do it and I did it fast because I am a chicken shit.

Mike said well don't you think it is kind of soon? Well thanks for your complete lack of faith in me, but yeah no it's not to soon. For some unknown reason today at that moment was the perfect time and I just did it. I don't know why but I was supposed to does that make sense? I felt it, anyways it's done.

Well we are supposed to be married now he has to explain to people, well we are married and explain what to who?

I don't get him at all. I didn't tag him in the post granted we do have like 200 mutual friends. But his work already knew, his boss helped him get the insurance so I could go to rehab. My family knows. He told his family and our mutual friends are our church friends who he already has had praying for me for months. Who else even matters?

I heard him say something wasn't quite "all about you" but "you don't think of anyone but yourself" which I guess after typing them out are the same.

Why does he try to bring me down?

I can never win with him

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