Pillar of Light

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2022-12-05 14:54:16 (UTC)

Concert Day

Yesterday was my first concert with my chorus!

The time of my concert was the same time as my sons soccer banquet, which I am still sad that I missed. I had my husband go with him and practically forced him to bring our younger 2 kids with them. I’m always the only one involved in everything with the kids. My husband hasn’t been to one of our sons games in all 4 years of high school… Even though he should have made the effort way before now, it was a good thing my son had his father and siblings there to support him.

As I drove down to the concert hall, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was all tense and breathing shakily…already making up excuses in my head to tell them so I can turn around and say I couldn’t make it. But I knew I had to do it. I owe it to myself to get through this and prove that I can be confident and brave enough to sing on that stage.

I wore a silver blouse tucked into slim black pants with rhinestone shoes and blingy jewelry. My makeup looked good especially since my skin is smoother after the facial. I don’t usually wear a red lip but we all had to, although several of the other ladies said it compliments my olive complexion.

When I got inside and saw all my amazing new chorus friends inside, most of my anxiety went away! There is a young lady that joined right around the same time as me. Seeing that she was there too, and we were both nervous; we cling to each other. She is a heavy girl, always comes to rehearsal in sweats. You can tell she has her own insecurities; but she showed up, hair nicely done, pretty outfit, cute makeup and got up there. I felt as proud of her as I did for myself.

I was still not feeling great though, and haven’t eaten. Then I was afraid I might pass out, which I’m prone to. I had a cookie and drank some water, had to breathe deep and try my best to relax.

The hall was packed. We sold out 225 tickets plus those that bought at the door. When we started performing and I looked at the crowd, it made me feel so happy! They loved us, they were smiling and jamming to some of the songs. That feeling was so amazing!

I haven’t had that feeling in a very long time. I remember it…I think it was 4th grade, I played Captain Hook in a school play. I was determined to be the best Captain Hook. As I was saying my lines I felt the silence from the crowd, there was this still moment I glanced over. They were all paying attention to me, looking intrigued. I smiled and continued with confidence.

Back to the concert…my sister text me that she had an emergency and couldn’t make it. My mom showed up late, but we would be back on the stage for the finale. I found her a seat at someone’s table that was empty which was right up front.
I made a bit of a mistake….I gave her my phone and asked if she would record a little bit for me.

When we started our songs, I noticed she was missing from her seat. She moved all the way to a corner standing up recording us. All of the sudden seeing her there completely threw me off! I was annoyed as fuck! I wanted her to go away.
I felt my lips kind of shake like when your about to cry, so I was forced to lip sing certain parts in order to not mess up.
I kept me cool and smiled, singing the best I could…but it was not as good as I did the first time around when she wasn’t there.

This morning when I was getting my toddler ready for preschool, she asked “mommy are you a little angry?”. She asked the moment I was thinking about how my mom was standing in the corner recording like a weirdo. 😭 I really wear my emotions on my face. Sheesh

I got my first concert under my belt.
I got through it!
I had fun and it was a big breakthrough for me.
I got to connect even more with the other chorus members.
I still have stuff to work on with myself.
Why am I triggered so easily, especially with my mom.
Why do I get this uncontrollable anxiety.