Life of secrets
Yesterday, my friend told me she’s not going to talk to me as much anymore until i’m over the fact that I’ve not conceived. She said its all I talk about. In all honestly, I truly feel she’s toxic to me - I never feel good after speaking to her. She cut me out of her life for 10 years and we are only talking again because I reached out 3 years ago. She told me she hadn’t contacted me because her husband was abusive and wouldn’t let her. I think that’s rubbish. If you want to contact someone, you can. There are ways. Was he stood by her side 24/7, watching her every move? I know he wasn’t. And now suddenly she’s very happy with him. I’m not sure abuse to that extent can disappear so quickly. But since I’m so forgiving, I let her back into my life. I am now regretting it.
Dealing with infertility (and alone) is like grief. You are grieving not being able to be a mother. If I had lost somebody in death and a friend said “I’m not going to talk to you as much until you’re over this” you would surely stop being friends with that person, right? It’s the same thing.
I am so angry, I haven’t responded.
Its just that, I have a terrible time at letting people go - even those not good for me. I know in my heart she is no good for me. Yet, I am afraid to tell her that I do not want to be her friend anymore. When I think of her, I feel so much anger….. She just infuriates me. I feel like her excuse for not talking to me for 10 years (and dropping me like a hat) isn’t good enough. I feel like she is ignorant to so many things in life. I feel she is a hypochondriac and find it difficult to listen to her constant health issues which I don’t even think exist! I can’t stand that her response to most things is “hahahaha” - its not funny!! ITS NEVER FUNNY! I hate that when I am feeling shit about not having any kids, she will say her situation is the same - because she cannot get pregnant. Yet she already has a kid. ITS NOT THE SAME. I hate that she’s in love with her husband, then cheating on him, then in love again, then leaving him, then in love again. And i hate that she’s stopped telling me anything about her marriage now that since she decided to stay with him. Earlier this year she was going to leave him for a man in America. Before that, she was going to leave him for a polish man and move to Poland.
I am happier when not talking to her.
However, I actually don’t have any friends left. I have isolated myself to the point of disappearing. And yet i find it quite comforting at the same time…