Anonymouslysecret

7

Yesterday, my friend told me she’s not going to talk to me as much anymore until i’m over the fact that I’ve not conceived. She said its all I talk about. In all honestly, I truly feel she’s toxic to me - I never feel good after speaking to her. She cut me out of her life for 10 years and we are only talking again because I reached out 3 years ago. She told me she hadn’t contacted me because her husband was abusive and wouldn’t let her. I think that’s rubbish. If you want to contact someone, you can. There are ways. Was he stood by her side 24/7, watching her every move? I know he wasn’t. And now suddenly she’s very happy with him. I’m not sure abuse to that extent can disappear so quickly. But since I’m so forgiving, I let her back into my life. I am now regretting it.

Dealing with infertility (and alone) is like grief. You are grieving not being able to be a mother. If I had lost somebody in death and a friend said “I’m not going to talk to you as much until you’re over this” you would surely stop being friends with that person, right? It’s the same thing.

I am so angry, I haven’t responded.

Its just that, I have a terrible time at letting people go - even those not good for me. I know in my heart she is no good for me. Yet, I am afraid to tell her that I do not want to be her friend anymore. When I think of her, I feel so much anger….. She just infuriates me. I feel like her excuse for not talking to me for 10 years (and dropping me like a hat) isn’t good enough. I feel like she is ignorant to so many things in life. I feel she is a hypochondriac and find it difficult to listen to her constant health issues which I don’t even think exist! I can’t stand that her response to most things is “hahahaha” - its not funny!! ITS NEVER FUNNY! I hate that when I am feeling shit about not having any kids, she will say her situation is the same - because she cannot get pregnant. Yet she already has a kid. ITS NOT THE SAME. I hate that she’s in love with her husband, then cheating on him, then in love again, then leaving him, then in love again. And i hate that she’s stopped telling me anything about her marriage now that since she decided to stay with him. Earlier this year she was going to leave him for a man in America. Before that, she was going to leave him for a polish man and move to Poland.

Whatever.

I am happier when not talking to her.

However, I actually don’t have any friends left. I have isolated myself to the point of disappearing. And yet i find it quite comforting at the same time…