Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-12-04 22:43:55 (UTC)

I don't want to start over...

I honestly thought I had found my happily ever after. We always said 'we don't have much but at least we have each other'. I swear the way Mike used to look at me, every one knew he was in love with me. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He was always so proud of me, "this is my wife", to every one. He was so happy to be a part of my life, we fit together perfectly. I seriously make all the women jealous of how lucky I am to have him be my husband. He is the perfect husband.

I however, was not the perfect wife. I lied, deceived, stole and was a drug addict.

See in my sick mind I honestly thought and have said it out loud before "Mike loves me so much, I have never been loved like this before, I mean I feel like there is nothing I could ever do to make him leave me" I mean obviously I would never cheat on him, that's not who I am. So I wasn't talking about anything like infidelity. He loved me for ME, whenever I would fuck up he still kept loving me. Anything, he never yelled at me ever. So yeah I foolishly thought he would stay with me forever, no matter what. I never saw my drug use as that bad (old thinking) because I was getting it from the doctor and a legit pharmacy so I knew it was tainted drugs and I didn't think I was stealing it as you weren't using it (fucked up logic but yeah I thought that) I wasn't selling myself for a pill, I wasn't buying them off the streets, so yeah I didn't see this as a reason to end a marriage ever. When you found out the last time and had had enough, you said "if you want to save this marriage you will go to rehab" well I went because I wanted to prove to you that I CHOSE YOU! You still don't see it that way, you still say I only quit because I was busted. Seriously though, isn't that why 95% of addicts quit? there were only about 2% of patients in rehab that were there by their own choice. I could of left you and kept doing my shit if I wanted, or even while in rehab I could have taken that drug suboxen or methadone or whatever which would have been a legit way to keep getting high, but no I chose to feel and be free from fucking narcotics.

Trust me these last 89 days have not been a cake walk, not with cravings thank God, but I mean real life. The hits keep coming but I keep on getting out of bed every day and doing what I have to do.

I don't want to have to start all over at 55 years old, it was hard enough starting over in 2009.

I don't want to have to get to know anyone else, I don't want to have to date anyone, ugh. The thought of being with anyone not Mike gives me anxieties. I am in love with Mike, I have threw myself at him and asked him as a wife who is saying she is sorry and asking for your forgiveness to please just take a leap of faith with me and jump off this cliff together right now.

He won't

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