I have to be strong
I have no choice to fall apart now even when I want to most of all, I cry myself to sleep every night so I am getting it out of me. My mom and my sister are so scared about my dad, they both call me at least 10 times a day "what do you think?" "how do you think he looks?" I have to comfort both of them, my daughter is falling apart about anything happening to her grandpa. I went to my parents today and did their laundry and a little cleaning up for her, then went to visit my dad. He was sleeping in a chair when I first got there. I was quiet so he could just sleep. I looked at him, really looked at him. He looks good to me, he is older, he is 80 years old, but he still is such a cute old man <3 He opened his eyes and about jumped out of the chair I scared the shit out of him. He said he was feeling really tired, I helped him get into the bed and then left so he could get some sleep.
Oh I forgot he is in pain but refusing pain meds because he doesn't want to get addicted, it's in our blood you know? OMG both my mom and my sister asked me to talk to him about this. So I did. I told him he could take meds he is in a controlled environment, he won't be released with enough to get addicted on and if he does I will help him, but not to suffer right now.
Hopefully he listens. I feel bad, I feel horrible that he won't take any pain meds because of me, that makes me so sad. I told him I didn't take them for physical pain so there is a big difference.
I asked my mom if she liked staying home alone, no she does not. She misses him bad, she asked what was going on with me and Mike, I said I guess the same, she said 'who wants the divorce?" I said no one, he just wants to separate so he can have time to himself.
Everyone is leaning on me, my dad wants me to make sure my mom and sister are all right, they want me to make sure he is alright, meanwhile the person who is my strength isn't there for me right now (my fault)
I can't have a break down right now, or even a poor me pity party so this sucks, but I am 89 days clean today so that's something to be proud of, so I will focus on that.
Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you!
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