2022-12-04 02:17:43 (UTC)


this whole week i've been putting up decorations. if only i could decorate the inside of my brain.

talked to my therapist about lying and constantly questioning myself. the self-questioning is exhausting. i am exhausted.

i want to celebrate the holidays and i feel like i'm running on fumes.
i found this app which was a lot like what i wanted to design. a feelings tracker that can detect patterns and help you learn more about yourself.
it was so good, it was discouraging. it would probably be cool if i could contribute to it, but that's not likely to happen.
got another rejection letter from a job app. that probably marks 40 something now.
i'm afraid to say if i feel miserable, i would be confirming that, and it takes me a long time to come around.
no appetite these days either. can't solve it with drugs. feeling like i'm losing battery charge faster.

these months it seems like everyone feels like this. the snow falls and the energy grinds to a halt, up until Christmas and the New Year comes to turn the world around. at least that's how it always seemed to me. but there were Christmases and New Years where it did magically feel like time had paused and the clean snow sparkled and the warm air galvanized excited chatter. the excitement of ripping open a gift from its wrapping. went to target and saw so types of wrapping, and got nothing. apparently my husband thinks it's important that our gift wrapping stands apart from everyone else's.

at least the tree looks pretty. decked out with shiny blue and pink ornaments, on a white fir tree with silver beads. the lights are the best part. it gives off serenity and quiet. everybody in the house gets entranced. maybe i should keep going to the gym. but as aforementioned, my mental tank is running low. i deactivated my writing instagram. it got frustrating that people kept following that account and not my personal. i become too afraid of establishing my thoughts. it's become clear that i'm a profoundly fear-motivated person. and wow, does it suck. learning to be fearless is difficult, but often times, it's as easy as taking a deep breath and clearing your mind. you don't have to confront all your fears at once, you can just acknowledge the effects that it has and breathe through it. but it is certainly ingrained at this point.

how can i break through these habits.