Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2022-12-01 15:02:57 (UTC)

Back to Basics

Mr. Curved Line's post on Reddit in r/Divorce
https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/yl3v9b/why_am_i_hesitating/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Posted ONE month ago

Why am I hesitating?
Getting Started
I (45m) have been with my wife (41f) for 15 years, married 13, and we have 2 children 8 and 10. We have had troubles for at least the last 6 years. We have serious financial issues, the house is always a disaster, her mom lives with us and has her own issues, and unless I make food, dinner for the kids is either fast food, or something like corn dogs. All of the domestic tasks, like cleaning, laundry, bills, maintenance, etc. was on me. On top of all that, my wife wanted to open the relationship a couple of years ago. She brought it up over the years, but was particularly insistent. She had already met and fallen for some other guy, but was wanting my okay for it to get physical. We'd dabbled in swinging a bit, but were mismatched in where we wanted that to go, so we'd already stopped that. I agreed, hesitantly, but took the opportunity to look around some myself, with her knowledge. The other guy blew up after a couple of months (he was cheating on his wife and she found out and made him call it off) and it sent my wife into depression. She completely withdrew from our relationship, emotionally and physically, and almost the entirety of home life. Part of our financial situation is that she quit working for grad school, and now with this situation, she failed a whole semester. The house got even worse. In this time, I met another woman (43f) through a dating app. The first thing the new woman wanted was to talk to my wife and ensure that this was an open and agreed upon relationship. They became good friends and the new woman was around a lot. In short order, my gf was actually helping my wife with her schedule and life, because me gf wanted to help me be happier. I spent a few months during the height of COVID fixing up my wife's old house so that we could rent it out to help with money. Anyway, going too long. My wife and I didn't have sex for over a year. She said she didn't know if she'd ever feel like having sex again. My gf and I were invited to go to a sex party, we brought the spouses, and my wife had a great time, without me. She picked up a couple of fwbs that she started seeing regularly as well as getting on dating apps and having hookups and then going to sex clubs solo. She still doesn't have sex with me. I keep bringing up our finances and we reach a point where I'm worried about mortgage for the next month, and within a week, the AC goes out, my car needs repairs, and the dogs get heartworms. I tell her I can't do this anymore and I want out. Suddenly, she's trying to clean the house, and she goes to her psychiatrist to get her meds adjusted, and says I owe her a chance to make it right. Rather than just walking right then, I agree to try counseling. My gf, meanwhile, is disappointed that I let myself stay in a situation where I'm obviously so unhappy. Whenever I press about moving forward with separation, my wife pushes back that I just misunderstood what was happening, why she was acting the way she was, and that I wasn't so good to her either. She also starts complaining that I spend time away with my gf (true, its 2-3 nights a week) and that I get irritated when I come home (also true, because all the clutter and trash buildup while I'm gone). It's been over 2 months since I first said I wanted to leave and I didn't have any faith that things could get better, and I still haven't filled out paperwork or said point-blank I'm done we're getting divorced. My friends and gf are confused, and so am I. I think my main worry is the impact on the kids, but honestly, I think they would be better off with a better home life, even if only half time. Has anyone else had a hard time with the last push?

The Reddit comments included:

"...I am 47 and you are 45 just to say we are similar ages. Your kids need stability, it could be they get more stability if you leave your wife. It honestly does not sound like you have any kind of committed marriage except ya'll share a household somewhat. I think you should be working toward which makes you happy long term, and typically when you have a family that is stability. I would say you need a divorce just because your wife does not seem stable. Then you need to look at your life and realize the rough seas are not good for your kids. Maybe the one you are seeing now is that person, but probably not if you are a single dad perusing sex clubs all the time with a new woman. That just seems like a reckless environment for children. Currently in your story, it did not seem like the kids were the most important thing in the picture now...it seems like sex is to be honest..."

And this:

"...Stop worrying about yourself, and the wife also and fix your lives. Your a mess, the both of you.

I see a trailer and it's a hillbilly mess.

I think divorce

Sell the house

Find a decent place

Same for the wife..."

Naturally he's done none of this sage advice, wife is finally back in her graduate program after being tossed out for failing to do her paperwork, still negligibly employed causing a host of financial woes including spending thousands on her dogs they didn't have and getting a new credit card. All a hot mess and I'm supposed to believe he's actually even made up his mind when he changed it a few days after she made a point of finally taking care of her kids and getting their matted hair brushed out? Readers really the question I ask myself most is why was I ever involved with this abhorrent situation and a man so weak as to let it continue. Love is certainly blind, but for f*ck's sake, it shouldn't be deaf and dumb, too.

I am happily back to just my family and husband, Mr. Curved Line decided he would rather have the possibility of some fictional relationship with his wife then the reality of me. That came as an awful shock to me given the last six months of his heartache and torment at the hands of his wife. So when he was acting squirrelly for the last time and refusing contact with me, he dropped a text bomb on me that he'd decided just that day, I guess, that he was going to give her a chance to what? I suppose stay married to him, which I want to point out here is literally what he repeatedly said he had not wanted, in a platonic marriage. Or so I thought. But I got to thinking, he's a cheater, he cheated on me with her already and he cheated on his first wife to get his current wife, so stands to reason he was trying to get back into bed with his wife who said she didn't want him and last time just used him sexually to make issues in his and my relationship. So I said if he's telling me the truth that its solely about his kids and intact family, finances and the sale of his house...then don't touch her at all, not a hug even. Of course he wouldn't agree to that, surprise, surprise and so I am out of his life. This man who asked me to build a life with him, asked me to mother his children and talked about wanting to marry me, just had to f*ck his unwilling wife, be affectionate with the very person who he'd cheated on me with, you know, for the kids.

Thank G*d, that's over. I know he thinks he can come back to me, I can be on again, off again, but this time he's wrong. I am tired of the lies and the cheating. Tired of wondering when he'll quit asking me for my fidelity, my life in service to his at my expense. Also I pity him for destroying the last relationship that could have helped him with his upcoming divorce. Now he must face a life alone or a loveless marriage and he could have had a life with me, someone who has consistently been supportive, loving and kind towards his kids. He actually was trying to get me to agree to be only his in addition to my husband's, with an eye to slowly taking my husband's place. So when he says he's giving her six months, I can tell you that now that he has no other options, I'm sure he's stuck with her forever. Considering his indecisiveness and her back sliding, it should be some fresh H*ll inside of the six month mark, if his snap decision lasts even that long.

The nice part in all this is I can finally see that it is as the readers on Reddit suspected, his desire to divorce his wife is just about sex. And that's why I do need to not be his sexual outlet, one I value myself too much to continue with that, but two, it keeps his kids in that sh*tty situation longer. I didn't know until this post that Mr. Curved Line's life was this bad, he lies, so it is hard to tell fact from fiction as well as get a straight answer out of a man who can only see through rose-colored glasses when it comes to his wife. Small update: He DID fill out the initial petition to file for divorce and call attorneys after this, then followed it up with giving her the 6 month trial. Insert whatever the emoji is for uber eyeroll.




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