Love, life and loss
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2022-12-03 17:45:34 (UTC)

Hardest part

The hardest part of this is watching life carry on for everyone else
Ryan's back to work, his parents are off on holiday, friends are taking their children to see Santa, putting up trees and decorations, going out for christmas drinks
Seeing the towns Christmas light switch ons on Facebook

And here I am sitting in the same pyjamas I got into last night
Not left the house all day
Not showered
Not brushed my teeth
Not brushed my hair
Not eaten
Sitting staring at the TV on mute as the sound was annoying me
Not even sure what's on it
Looking but not watching or listening

When I lay in bed our door faces Erin's bedroom door. The room that was going to be her nursery whilst we brought a house elsewhere

I know that behind that door is her pram, her car seat, her blankets, her clothes, her moses basket, her cot. A baby pink wall and her rug we never even got to lay down

Not been able to look at any of it but going to have too tonight

Ryan's playing some crappy game in the dining room and I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face
I feel like I've cried so much today that theres no tears left yet theres plenty coming
My cheeks even hurt from crying
My whole body feels tense and stressed and all I want to do is curl up in a really tight ball under a heavy blanket on the sofa and sleep forever

Haven't heard from anyone today and Ryan's been out shopping, went for a burger with a friend, now gaming. I'm happy he's getting on with life but I feel so alone
Cant even reach out to anyone for support so that everyone thinks I'm ok
and doing good like I told them last night
Keep going to text people for support or just a chat and a distraction but then remember I shouldn't and they're all busy with family and probably Christmas stuff anyway

It's harder than I thought but I have to get on with it


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