Life of secrets
I feel like what I’m about to write about is somewhat controversial but also this is my diary and my life and there’s so much people don’t know. Especially anyone reading this.
I’ve always wanted kids, right ? From when I can remember, I’d always played mummies and babies and I’d always be the mummy and I’d either be pregnant (I’d make a belly by stuffing the doll up my top) or i’d have a baby and I’d be pushing it in it’s pram or feeding it.
My mum used to ask, what do you want to be when you’re older? And I’d say “I want to be a mummy!” And my mum would scoff at me and be like yes but, what do you want to DO? And I’d say…. Have a baby ?
It was never the right answer. But my mum shouldn’t have had kids. She doesn’t want them. And it sickens me that so many women who don’t care for their kids, have had no problem creating and birthing them. And here I am. Just turned 36 and not one to call my own.
And so I met a man who at first wanted kids but a couple years in, some emotional abuse, codependency and about 3 break ups and a million silent treatments, he changed his mind. But by then I was hooked and frozen in whatever emotional rollercoaster I’d gotten myself into. All I wanted was for him to love me and marry me. Makes me feel sick when I look back. Like, seriously ? This guy who’s got fat, can’t work for shit, can bore a person to actual DEATH, thinks he’s right about everything but isn’t and we all just humour him…. This is the guy you so badly wanted to love YOU? Oh boy.
Anyway - so I thought it’s fine. Or I didn’t think? He doesn’t want kids- it’s fine. I’ll just get pregnant. By accident. I’d had psychics warn me “careful not to get pregnant unless you want to be!” And I’d think ooh I must be so fertile !! We always had unprotected sex but he’d pull out and nothing ever happened. Sometimes I’d scoop some of his man juice with my fingers and insert, without really thinking about it. I just felt I wanted to have a baby. All the time. And didn’t care for the circumstances. But nothing ever came of that.
3 years into marriage, after one separation a few months in, I’d decided it’s time to put my plan to action. I would say I’m on the pill, and get pregnant. I was ready for a baby. For the first few months, I’d freak out every time I THOUGHT I might be pregnant. I’d think oh my god, this is actually happening ! How will I break the news to him!? And I’d practice with my best friend.
When I first began my solo TTC journey (lol!), I didn’t realise you had to have sex at certain times. I didn’t know about ovulation tests and cervical mucus and implantation and temping. But I learned. And it became an addiction. All the testing for ovulation and then for pregnancy. Checking all my bodily symptoms. Hoping. Wishing. Nothing happening. Why is nothing happening?
After a year I thought, shit. This can’t be good. The psychics told me all the time how fertile I was! How has a year passed with not even one positive pregnancy test!? I became more obsessed. I went to doctors. I had every test you could think of. Nothing was found wrong.
I even tested my husband. I don’t know if this shows how little he pays attention to me, but he had no idea. I’ve done about 8 home sperm tests on him and he has NO. IDEA. (Tests were fine btw)
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else in the actual world has done what I’ve done ?
I had an acquaintance tell me once that if I want kids and he doesn’t, “just say your on the pill. My friend did it and she got pregnant” - i didn’t dare say that’s what I was doing already. Secrets are secrets, right ?
I’ve told about 6 people so far because of times I’ve become hysterical and obsessive and it’s all I ever fucking think about and my life and thoughts and literally every breath I take is about WHY HASNT THIS HAPPENED YET!?
He sits googling cars for hours and I’m right next to him googling cervical mucus and false positives.
It marks two years this month. Two years of nothing. I could leave. I could leave and find someone else and have babies and be happy. Or just leave and use a donor and be a single mum (i’d probably end up one in this situation anyway and I’m ok with that - I just want my babies….) and I think about it a lot and I’ve had my fantasies about it too but instead I cook his dinner and smile and bring him his food and talk about whatever meaningless shit I can think of and I dont dare argue because TRAUMA! Im frozen in my life. I totally understand why women who are in shitty relationships never leave. I get it.
Probably serves me right. All of this.