Love, life and loss
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2022-12-02 19:23:08 (UTC)


Braved the hospital today although I didnt want to go
Had almost no sleep last night
Stopped in to see another friend who has been great before my appointment and glad I did or I would have talked myself out of going
She gave me a massive hug which was so needed this morning and I cried on her again like a stupid idiot

Hospital wanted to keep me in which pisses me off. I'd made it clear I wasnt staying in for them to do nothing over the weekend!!! If they want to test me do it planned dont keep me in for weekend just to watch me. I dont need observing I'm perfectly fucking fine

So they gave me the news. I cried. Again. Seems to be my norm now which is stupid and frustrating. They said should see some improvement in 6 weeks but some of the damage is lasting and permanent. Fucking great
The way my heart feels dodgy is not just stress and emotion its because my heart is wrecked and got told off for minimising it or blaming stress and emotion
Well I am sorry doctor I couldnt tell the fucking difference! My heart hurts..physically emotionally and in every single way. So apparently it's not just emotion and exhaustion from grief
Hey ho.
Need to start treatment and adjust my defib and should see some improvement within 6 weeks in whats going to improve. The rest I'll just live with

Wanted to give me fluids and moaned at me for not eating and drinking even though I told them I've been eating well
Wanted to admit me to monitor me to see how it goes for a couple days and adjust again and see if it improves over weekend
No thanks ... made clear that by agreement or no agreement I'm outta there
I've geared myself up for going home home tomorrow, back to work monday, everyone's wanting me to be strong and get back to some form of normality so that's what I got to do and cant do that from a hospital bed
Cant keep being a waste of everyones time and space and cant keep crying on everyone so I have to do what they say man up and get on

A little part of me wanted to agree to stay in and not discharge myself because then I wouldnt have to go to work next week as I'm dreading it

But I need to make everyone happy and pretend to be the strong person they all think I am so back to work it is
And as always my health comes last

So from now on everyone thinks I'm ok, I will say I am, i will not cry or cry in secret and to the rest of the world my heart will be fine
But baby Erin, mummy is still heartbroken and I miss you so much. None of this is because of you my precious girl, always remember that. Pretending I'm ok doesnt mean ive forgotten you or moved on. I just need to go home and thats whats expected. I love you precious x

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