rotten

words on bathroom walls

it was on the "what's leaving netflix soon" -list. i don't know if i'll ever learn not to watch ... well. basically anything i haven't seen before, lol. there's just certain things that make me feel very uneased and somehow mess me up. the first time i really felt it was with 'skins', and another one i can clearly remember was that ... 'through your eyes'(?) movie, or something like that, i'm not really sure about the title. oh and 'all the bright places'. i think there's like a chaotic vibe that i relate to, something that feels a bit too familiar, that hits a bit too close to home. ok i guess 'skins' is a bit different, that one always makes me wanna give up on everything and go completely reckless, become a full-on addict and act on every impulse and intrusive thought i've ever had. but in a way it's the same - has to do with mental health struggles. if there's something that feels real about the way they're portrayed, i just. tend to get lost in that, in a way. if that makes sense? probably doesn't.

'words on bathroom walls' is about a schizophrenic high school dude with a bunch of hallucinations and delusions, a few psychotic episodes, the whole deal. now schizophrenia is not something i personally struggle with and i have no idea how accurately presented those who do struggle with it feel with the movie, but i have had my share of low key psychotic moments. dissociative tendencies have that effect, i guess. hallucinations i've only had with some meds, a few times i've had a super high fever and a couple of times when i got no sleep for 4-7 days. the black smoke like thing in the movie was eerily familiar, as something like that (plus things like spiders and shit kinda "made of" that) have been my most common visual hallucinations. but i think what most made me flip out was the rather helpless, desperate and inconsolable state the main character experienced in that whatever the facility he was placed into towards the end of the movie. the acting was really impressive; not too perfect, pretty chaotic and awkward. felt raw and real, relatable - and that's really hard to do, to convey via film. dang i have so much to say about this but i'm just feeling very, very nauseous and terrbile. i should take w out, run through a shower and try to take a nap before i leave for the paja (the bujo group is tomorrow, yay. maybe december will be the first month i actually use the damn thing...)

so let's just say this - it do be like that sometimes. oftentimes, actually. i often feel like i can no longer take it, like i can't handle my mind and the crap it keeps throwing at me. i hate feeling like i'm losing it, like there's nothing i can control, like my mind's just gonna go permanently too dark and completely numb any second now. at times, even if nothing feels real, i still somehow manage to panic. like even when i can't form a single thought that would make sense, i can still panic. i can still feel like i'm slowly floating to insanity, like there's no point to even try. and who knows, perhaps there's truth to that - maybe one day i won't find my way back anymore, maybe one day i won't regain the understanding that my body is actually my body, maybe one day i'm incapable of even trying to put up a front of "normalcy". i already know it's a forever-issue, so who says it can't get worse? from what i've learned in this life, things always ALWAYS have a way of changing for the worse.

--- look who's being such a positive little piece of shit. no wonder i cut this short the other day and stopped existing for a day or so.
i'm just gonna hit "save entry" and let it be. maybe i'll analyze my reactions to fiction more some other time.